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30/08/03- Welcome...
popplagið @ 100%
Presenting Smalrus Abstracts Folio 2- Paintings in the Key of ( )
  
30/08/03(420am)- No sleep
I haven't slept for a week
And I'm cold
Yeah I'm so cold
She's right
I should do something of my life
But I'm old, I'm old I'm getting old
Those eyes
She said they don't recognize me
Those lips
They're never calling my name
It feels so heavy
Feels so heavy, heavy
I'm waiting for a Saturday
Waiting for a Saturday
And I'm too young to be old
Une fille jolie
Passe tout pres de moi
Elle arreter le temps
Au coin de St. Catherine et St. Laurent
Elle me regarder
Et elle souriait
Elle ma fait penser a rien en ce moment
Et comme le vent elle s'en aller
Et moi j'suis reveiller
Ouai moi j'suis reveiller
~Sam Roberts
its 420am. no pun intended. and i keep waking up because i cant fall asleep. some of this is largely due to the obnoxious noise coming from drunken frosh passing by in the street. part of its just stuff ive got on my mind. worries, feelings, and the likes. so of course i come back to my journal at 4am when i should otherwise attempt sleep. anyways, not much happening the last couple days since my last update. namely i took the FREN placement test and placed into composition 1, so im happy about that so i can round out my minor. also, i needed one more polisci course, so im taking arab israeli conflict, which just so happens that david is in the course. after 4 years at mcgill, weve finally got a course together, so thats pretty cool. now, do i drop 20th century canadian political history, denominations in north american judaism, or both...? ive got a good weekend to start culling my final schedule up, but its pretty much taken shape i think. after my placement test and advising session and that, it was pouring rain so i came home and pretty much vegged out after the long week of tests/exams i had. since its a long weekened, it was about time i did nothing until before school started. anyways. oh also, tomorrow (er today) is bank debbie's birthday so happy birthday deb! "i love you debbb-ayyy" (à la sloth from the goonies). got ideas for a couple of poems but because of laziness, they never made it on to paper yet. when i say lazy, i really mean lazy. oh and ma man daniel from chicoutimi got back into montreal yesterday so me and him and israel are gonna have to go for beers, maybe tonight or so. anyways yeah, maybe i should try going back to bed right now. more later...
28/08/03(920pm)- well last night ended up being an early night. i was so zonked that i was asleep by 1230. but i couldnt find my tv changer during the night so i woke up and the tv was still on. woke up at 11ish this am and went to campus to putz around til the exam at 2. the exam wasnt that bad, i felt better than my first exam, but we'll see what happens. after that i went to get the password for my french 431 course (im so excited i placed up 3 levels). oh right, i forgot to mention here that i took the first french placement test for FRSL and i placed up 3 levels to 431. which is the highest full year course in FRSL. theres only 3 more courses after that, but you practically have to be perfectly fluent. but to make it to 431, im proud of me if no one else is. so anyways, in order to get into FREN 201, you have to take a placement test. apparently you need to be around the 431 level in FRSL to get into 201. so if i get into 201, ill flip shit because i wont have believed that my french mastery is actually that high. makes me wish i did this all earlier. anyways, tomorrow i take the FREN placement test.
then after meeting with the FREN department, i went home, didnt do much at home and then went to the central bibliotheque to meet israel from my chicoutimi program. we went to parc lafontaine to check out the ballet festival in the park. other than that, not much doing today. basically i can relax til tuesday now since im done with exams (i dont count placement tests- thats just a matter of what you know, they dont grade you). so now im watching the mtv vmas on musiqueplus. thats always fun because they show the show, then they cut back during commercials to the musiqueplus studio for color commentary. because they have to essentially translate what happened, then they discuss their thoughts on the awards and everything. its interesting. and why does it look like the show is shot in digital- like its not even live... anyways, thats about it for me now. more later if theres something relevant to say....
27/08/03(930pm)- been an interesting last couple of days. lets see, going back to the 25th would put me at monday. i cant even remember what happened on monday bt somehow we ended up at davids place. methinks we did some dinner over on st. denis. lets see. tuesday wasnt much that happened and today i just had my canadian history exam. it sucked as much as it did i april because it was the same exact exam. and it sucked then as much as it sucks now. "tell why canada is less like britain and more like the us." "why is history neither true nor false?" bullshit. anyways, who knows how it went. i was fairly tired during the test. sleep has been odd as of late and i dont know why. right now im about to crash. oh yeah, we were going to try and see george clinton and the parliament funkadelic. but it was sold out and we didnt have tickets. um. today we just chilled and had dinner at thai express. and claire just stopped by and i got to speak french with her and show my chicoutimi pictures. i was really tired but ive got a half second wind. anyways, tomrrow is quebec history exam and more placement exams and then im done til tuesday!
oh, one more thing... turns out the guy who beat me out for the A&E editor on the trib- he's stepping aside to take an assistant swimming coach position. so they're reselecting the second editor. guess who's applying... oh one more quote i was thinking of this afternoon when i was talking about second chances and the A&E position... "behind every great man is a greater woman." something is rotten in the state of Smalrus. (shakespeare, rewritten) and i cant say im happy about things but after talking about the editor annoucement with her, im a believer in that quote. thats about as much as i can say...
25/08/03(540pm)-im in a very emotional mood right now. general unhappiness :( going to play guitar on the balcony over the street.
(320am)- day 2 in montreal. i cant believe im back on this schedule. and i didnt even do anything. today i got up only to go meet mom and dad for breakfast at place milton. it was really nice and i always enjoy the last morning with my parents. after that, we went downtown, mom went to simons, dad and i went to a closed centre bell and then walked a little. then it was back to the hotel and they were off. went walking around, went to hmv, then went back to cafe depot to just lounge around. things couldnt have been better there. stayed there for a few hours (not as great as it was last year, but still good) and then came back. we all went out to some restaurant on st. denis for dinner and then back to the apt to veg around. and veg around we did. i played music a lot since i did a lot of unpacking today. i just wish amanda and claire would move their stuff out of my room already... anyways. tomorrow i gotta do some work and whatnot. but other than that, ill be around... more later...
24/08/03(215am)-well im back in mtl so let me rehash since i didnt work on this in the car as i said i might. lemme back up a bit. friday at work was an alright day. not too much happened though, but it was jess' last day. shes off to wyoming to pursue equestrian business. so she was very emotional. but im proud of her. she came to ct saying she was only taking a year off from school to figure out what she wanted. its tough to do that and actually go back, but she did and im proud of her. so after work, i went with ivy and hassan to panera and we hung out a little. came home, called jen. said what i wanted to say to her and then started packing. left on a positive note. packing went rather smoothly and then met cheryl at fridays for a drink. kris ended up getting me a pastry sheet so i could make my pasta on it. :) not much else happened so i went home and went to bed. just before i did though, i noticed on the rane board that wesley willis died. true musical genius, wesley willis was a 300lb schizophrenic former homeless black man from chicago. he wrote a lot of bizarre, formulaic songs, but when you realise what his spirit was as a musician and disabled person, you knew that he had a lot of good to give to the world, no matter how warped "cut the mullett" or "lick a camel's ass" sounded. wesley, we will miss you.
this morning, i woke up to go to work. work was alright but boring, then left and went home to load up the car. that went fairly smoothly. as i said, we left around 215 and was in montreal about 5 hours later. excellent timing. unloaded the car and went out to dinner at eduardos with jessica. very nice. after that, jessica and i hung out a bit at le pistol outside at the street blockparty on st. laurent. had a couple drinks and talked about things like my parents and women and guys. and now im back here. i guess it shouldnt have taken much to write that in the car. today i was rather hit by emotion i think though. im sad and upset and trying to figure it all out. reconciling feelings and all that. couples walking outdoors with each other... this is just a very hard beginning of the year. i hope she comes around to figure it all out with me...
23/08/03(215pm)-bye bye from ct. maybe ill work on an update in the car maybe. i will see you in december. nobody said it was easy, its such a shame for us to part. nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. oh take me back to the start... come visit me in montreal...
(130am)-update: i just found out that wesley willis died on thursday, my birthday :( sad day for music. ill update that tomorrow too...
(100am)- im not gonna do a whole update now, but ill just fill in tomorrow about today at work, jessica's leaving, good goodbye conversation, fridays, packing, and the likes. maybe ill work in the car some, who knows- it all depends on what time ive got here between work and leaving. its been a long summer full of massive highs and lows. new beginnings all around and hopefully old comearounds later on... more tomorrow...
22/08/03(100am)- well thats it, birthday over, now im legal in the us. anyways. im buzzed now but not drunk. only had a pint of newcastle, a pint of bass, and an apple martini. so me, mark, jon, eric, and cheryl went to pigs eye pub to start off the night. saw chrissy nafis and jess ragosta there and also jeremy cohen. suffice to say, going to a place like that is so so. i like to sit and drink and relax, not stand like i have to. so i kinda wanted to go. so we left PEP. i puked only after 2 drinks in the middle of the night. completely random, didnt feel sick or anything. wasnt drunk or anything, completely sober. and when you realise i havent puked since march of my first year (including being sick), that is really weird. anywho, im buzzed right now though. some of the liquor is starting to hit.
today was a so so day beforehand. first of all, it started out with nathan yelling. then cards from the deb/rudi, the bank, christina who used to work at the bank, kris brought ice cream, then there was deb's cake that i love... everyone sang happy birthday, plush spongebob. left for lunch upset. went at lunch to buy beer. woman couldnt tell i was 21 from my id. people... cheryl stopped by the bank. bought soulive cd, so then the rest of the day after lunch got better i suppose. andrew stopped by to chill a bit, tell about the counting crows concert, talk music, and give me a simpsons beer mug and three stooges bottle opener. and then i put the roofrack on the car, showered, ate and that was it. maybe the lasagna did it to me...anyways, another day of work tomorrow, then packing. 1 1/2 more days...
21/08/03(1200am)- well happy birthday to me. 21 that is. my annual playing of the beatles' "birthday." on my page. right now im listening to sigur ros' ( ). of course im also working on doing some paintings for folio 2, but namely cause its the mood im fitting right now. its on track 8- the part when the drums go really heavy and its darkened. im a little annoyed because its my 21st birthday today and, whereas, most people tell you they're gonna take you out for your 21st birthday or whatever, ive gotten one offer to go out with anyone. granted, i know some of my friends arent 21 (or arent legally 21), but in true fashion, im not pleaing with more people to do something for me. i hate birthdays cause people forget them until you remind them. and if people cared enough about you, theyd atleast know when it was your birthday. suffice to say, i may or may not be going out today. ive got a full day at the bank ahead of me and then who knows what. who knows what at all. anyways. im reaching critical mass at cynicism levels here.
aside from this birthday nonsense, today was a rather boring day at the bank. we kept having to make ourselves look busy. i hate that shit. basically ive been writing poetry prolifically at work. when youre bored and theres not much else to do, its easy to want to start writing. because then anything is better than standing and dealing with people, or standing doing nothing. so i upped them onto my literary site. i should title my arizona poems also and move them onto the literary site also...
then what else... after work i didnt do much today. i played music again. yay. all i do is play music and i dont even get better. so i also made a prelimary list of law schools with my dad. little worried about the competitiveness of it all so i may safeguard the list til i get in, unlike with undergrad. went rollerblading with my dad. also i got bowling for columbine yesterday. ill prolly watch that again in the near future. i dont even know what else to say. im just in a bad funky feeling right now and although its my birthday...i dont even know. we'll see what happens. 2 1/2 days til montreal...
20/08/03(1040pm)-waiting til midnight for further update instructions...more poems, more paintings, and a midi.
(115am)- well today was a so so day. woke up, went to work. work was alright but i was on drive thru. left for dr clousers at 130 and had no cavities. full mouth xrays though *shrug* came home and jammed some tunes out. then went to pick up margaret and andrew and we headed over to tisanes in west hartford. after talking a lot there, catching up, going over problems, etc, we were hungry, so we decided to go to xandos to get smores. and while we were there, lisa was online, so we invited her down and so it was 4 of us. then it was getting around 10ish so we went to blockbusters, ended up renting head of state and just got done with that. tomorrow night ive gotta have another "talk" with the rents. this ones about law schools :-O elise is at encampment this weekend, so basically its just me and them. talk about craziness. anyways, after that, i dunno whats doing in the evening if we're doing a midnight birthday thing. or if thursday is it. *shrug*
im going to bed shortly, but in the middle of folio 1, ive started folio 2, paintings in the key of ( ). these are a series of paintings inspired by the sigur rós album. basically, i listen to said song, paint my emotions of the song into it and then when the song is over, so am i. that way as the song evolves and my feelings evolve, so does the course of the painting. i may expand to agaetis byrjun too, but i dunno. ill finish the ( ) first before i decide to expand that folio. check it out folio 2.
19/08/03(1215am)-question of the day: why do fools fall in love? if you can answer that, ill give you a gold star.
yesterday was a so so day, went to barry and dena's for the post-unveiling lunch. was rather nice and got to see mitchell and heather and their kids and david and shayna and benita and michael. nice to visit with them all. as for whatever else yesterday, i rollerbladed with dad, had one of the weeks many "talks," and that was about it. today was a drs appt in the beginning of the morning. im still trying to figure out why uqac wont transfer my credits until the end of october. and then i got to the bank and there was this floater, jessica. plus it was reesy's birthday (happy 20th reesy!!!). so it was a pretty good bank day. then we all went over to her house for her party. her house is really nice, but in the middle of buttfuck ashford (sorry jess :-p) but its niceness made up for it. though the animal heads on the wall still scare me. um, so it was me, reesy, amy, sara, alyssa, jessica, and christina. and it was real nice. came home around 930. not having so good an evening, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. ive got a dentists appt at 200. anyways. other than that, i might be having another "talk" in the evening, but not much else doing. 4 days left. if i open mic thursday, any thoughts on songs i know and that i could maybe do?
17/08/03(945am)- i dont know what im doing up this early on a sunday morning. and to top it off, i didnt even set an alarm clock. but then again, i fell asleep on the couch last night probably around 1030-11ish and woke up at 230. went back to bed upstairs obviously. been a couple days since my last update, so lets move back a little. wednesday night, andrew came over and we worked on my habs audition video for the in-game host contest. took a couple of takes of different scenes and edited them into one video. didnt come out too badly when you consider that i wasnt in montreal to take advantage of the city scenery. anyways. i sent that in the next day cause its due this friday.
thursday the 14th was a fairly lame day during the day. in the morning i got up and got stuff to make chili at the bank. cooked in between customers most of the morning, but by noontime it was about ready and everyone seemed to love it. except deb, who didnt like the sweetness part to it. *shrug* um, then in the evening, i dont think i did all too much, probably just jammed away for the evening. ive been really digging the soulive cd and trying to play with that. friday was pretty cool. during the day i didnt do much except go to work. hurrah. it was amys last day though, so that was sad cause shes going to quinniepiac, which is nice, but having her leave the bank sucks cause shes been there just about since my first week. so we've kinda bonded :-p . in the evening though, i ended up seeing northfork with cheryl and then we went to xandos afterwards. good to hang out with other people from the area. these days, it seems like my friends are farther and fewer here in ct. and as for yesterday, i worked in the morning, but the rest of the day was literally spent bored, watching tv, hanging online, and jamming away until i passed out on the couch.
this week's my last week in ct. its actually going to be a hard week. monday morning drs. appt. tuesday afternoon dentists appt. monday is reesy's 20th birthday. yay. then what. wednesday, nothings really going on and thursday is my 21st birthday (and my annual birthday midi). so no ones even made plans for my birthday, i cant make plans for my 21st birthday. so im thinking if the plans dont happen, to go do an open mic, have a beer or two, play a couple songs, and then go home. thats very much what its starting to look like now. *sigh* then friday, i dont know whats doing either. saturday im working and saturday after work im leaving. which means ive gotta have a couple discussions with my parents before then and also pack. and do some schoolwork. i still want to see jen before i leave, but who knows if thats going to happen anymore. i know shes not even home, who knows monday and tuesday, wed i think shes going to john mayer, thursday who knows and friday shes probably packing too. *sigh* this summmer is just ending on an extremely weird note. im not sure if i like it.
13/08/03(600pm)- not much doing today at the bank. filming my audition video later tonight. making chili at the bank tomorrow. the airport thing almost caused us to not leave til today. but we were off at 1030 last night and made it home by 1. article here. the longlist of music was announced today. when i get a second, im gonna work on my predictions using the list. lots going down my head...
(100pm)-backlogs from tucson:
09(10)/08/03(1150pm local, 250am Conn time)- went to the hbank this am to copver for amy. bank was so so except that there was this one woman who tild me to do what i had to do, but deo it her way. can you say bitch? then she kept making a scene and finally nella told me to do it the way i was supposed to. anyways... after that, the three hours went by rather quickly....um, as i'm writing this, its 3am CT time, so im a little faboozled from jetlag/travel...
balancned out of work aok and then went home ant got ready to go. left around 115 made it through the airport ok. its been a long time since ive travelled with the family. well other to montreal that is. its oddly amusing, mostly because i like to travel myself. like anyone, i like to move my own pace, but if i'm with someone, i need them to go with me. sometimes you speed up, sometimes you slow down.... and whenever you travel its good to do things at your leisure. after all, travel is supposed to be leisurely. i love my family much, but sometimes its hard to be leisurely with them. or maybe my definition of leisure is different.
anyways, we made it into pittsburgh for our stopover. went back to wok and roll, where we ate last about 10 years ago. weren't as impressed this time around. got back on the plane and off to phoenix it was. basically, the movie sucked (tortilla soup), so i read my clash of civilizations book instead. 5 more pages... listened to the soulive CD i burned and then was basically in phoenix.
we got into phoenix around 7pm local time. at 7pm, it ws about 100 degrees out. rigoddamndiculous. so we waited at baggage claim, got our rental car, and drove 2 hrs southeast to tucson where we're at now for the wedding. off the highway, we went to applebee's for dinner. i must say, besides the fact that the menu here was more southwestern oriented, the waiter was real nice. all of them seemed nicer than back home.
so now we're here at the westward look resord for the wedding. no clue whats doing tomorrow other than that the ceremony is at 5pm.
as for being in arizona... its very inspiring to see the landscape. i cant wait until the day. seen some cacti at night, seen the mountain landscape at night, the flatness of desert at night. should be special during day (when its 110 degrees). the cloud cover is amazing and we're approaching full moon. so seeing checkered clouds with mountains and moonlight is amazing. (can say less for the heat through). took my beard off today too. just now, as a matter of fact. too hot and itchy here. i want to get out and explore here but i doubt that can happen easily. i cant drive the rental and betsy's probably taking grampa's car *sigh*
a lot on my mind being out here. i wanted to get away from it all, but its not happening. so i'll do a poem right now and then go to bed. jetlagged tonight
night falls under the blood red sky
thoughts of you fill my mind
things creeping out of the wild
snake fangs, scorpion stings
watch your step or you might fall into cactus.
its barren out and the temperature swelters
evapourating the soul
its like a storybook cloud i'm looking at
do you take it as an omen?
or as the cloud it is?
awake without you there
roll over the bed but its empty
youre not there to protect from the elements
youre not there to protect from the wild beasts
the cloud cover mocks me, appearing in your image
jagged edge of the mountains, steep canyon walls
at the same time dot the horizon
vision of infinity broken up by nature
is this truly nature?
nature makes no straight lines but works in cycles
and as the crimson sunset colours the sand
we will se another day together
(350pm local time)- things to talk about... woke up around 830. saw kc and met marilyn's son's family here while we were deciding on what to do. went out to brunch at einstein bros, which combined with starbucks, makes like a panera bread. had pleasant conversations with uncle frank and vienna. talked a bit about grandma, bubbie, the wedding... from there, we drove around tucson and up sentinel park. could see down the whole valley and possibly about as far as mexico, 60 miles away. from there, we drove around more and went to grampa's house, where there was this 3 inch moth. after that, we headed back to the resort and stopped for breugger's bagels on the way. nacho bagle, jalepeño bagels, etc... are really spicy for breakfast. but man do i love it. spicy food is key and so long as im in the southwest, thats what i want to eat.
went swimming afterwards. pool was cool in comparison to the 110 degree weather. and when you're wet and get out, you shiver because of the temp differential. shivering in 110? yeah. also, theres clouds that cast weird shadows on the hills in the distance. those hills are probably 20 miles away. atleast. and the clouds are storm clouds because its "monsoon season." hasnt rained yet though.
right now im watching american chopper while waiting to go in the shower. pictures are at 5 and the wedding starts at 6. should be a good time. i dunno, ive had a lot on my mind right now. being away from home's tough now. i gotta take a shower though. more on the wedding after this eve...
its 2 hours to phoenix but i can see it from here
the Desert horizon doesnt leave much to the imagination
but i like it that way
its nice to see the destination, even when its so far away
walk down the road at night
houses shrouded
black sky clouded
with the mountain on one side and you on the other
its night time, and the desert heat has given up its struggle
to seduce me
its like the heat of your breath against mine
that wishes no longer
the burning inside me is like a cactus prick
and your touch is my salve, my aloe
to look at the night sky is one thing-
filled with clichés between us.
like "i'm looking at the same stars you are."
its raining in the desert
nature takes a break for once
to cool us off,
but it's only temporary and you know the heat will come back
it replentishes the water so its not dried up
funny how nature works, but you know its
always a course of reversion
11/08/03(230pm local time)- right now im in the car on the way back to tucson from tubac. the view in the car is beautiful, just hills outside by miles, and all you can see is valley. not hard to conceptualize this place in the cambrian age.
last nights wedding was really nice. about 40 people were there and dad held the chuppah and mommy, elise, and me said an english translation of prayers. after was a champagne toast and then a nice dinner. ironically, marilyn's son's name is dave bernstein. he gave the champagne toast.
dinner was elise, me, rachel (marilyn's grandaughter), uncle frank and vienna. frank and i talked about movies like swimming pool. frank is going to send me to san francisco during winter break, but i have to make the plans. uncle frank is a riot. a 59 year old lawyer who does everything at a moment's notice.
dairy queen, sears, denny's....its hard to imagine those things in the middle of the desert, but here they are. america's largest growing community next to vegas. and since it's so hot, they dont expand up at all, they expand out. most of tucson starts to repeat itself every 5 blocks or so.
after dunner, went back to the room, went to say bye to uncle frank and vienna, who were leaving at 4 this am. and to bed.
we're driving through suaharita now and to my left is this giant mesa. the cloud pockets and blue pockets are amazing, particularly when they're over hills that encircle this valley. it's downright unreal. other than a little haze from the heat, it looks like a postcard. saguero cacti, only found here in the sonoran desert and nowhere else...
this morning, we woke up and went to a family breakfast at the gold room. i had this southwestern omlette...huge. and incredibly spicy. excellent. from there, we picked up and went to the Desert Museum, making some stops along the way. Again, it was 110 today and the desert museum is mostly like a desert zoo. we go to see some animals like arizona prairie dogs, hummingbirds, scorpions, etc... was really nice, but again, hot. wekinda lost patience and left for tubac. tubac is an artists colony but most of the shops were closed. almost bought a tiny claypot for jen since she loves pottery, but it was still expensive.
crossing the santa cruz river...there is NO water in it. F16 flyinig into the air base...
this evening, i'm taking elise to the mall here. then we're eating dinner at el paso which is supposedly really good, although i was looking forward to fuddruckers. tomorrow we're leaving westward look at 730am to head to phoenix airport. i would love to go to the hills to see sunrise. but i dont know if thats happening... :(
cant say im a fan of the head but the rest of the weekend has been good for a change from NE scenery. been talking to some people this weekend on AIM, which has kinda grounded me. in that respect, i wish i didnt bring my cell phone. instead of leaving my distractions home, i brought them with me. and though its been a good weekend...*shrug* been writing a bit of poetry. part emotion, part inspiration. i'm done for now, more later.
12/08/03(710pm eastern time)- happy 24th anniversary mom and dad! i'm sitting here in the charlotte, nc airport. didnt realise how drastic the accent is here.
yesterday after we got back, mom dropped me and elise off at the mall. elise went looking for a birthday gift from me, but didnt find anything. went back to the hotel, got changed, packed for this am, and then headed out to el paso restaurant for dinner with grampa and marilyn. was a nice dinner. basically after that, we went home and to bed.
this morning i woke up 515 am arizona time and walked a bit towards ina road and watched sunrise over the catalina foothills. it was hard getting pictures, my SLR camera stopped letting me rewind to reload, so i think its all fucked up. talked to seth a little during sunrise, but watched it come over the mountain. downright beautiful. had me thinking about a lot of things again.
left for phoenix around 730 for our 1145 flight and then were in the air til 630pm eastern time. im definitely going to be jetlagged tonight. did some writing on the plane- an essay for pricewaterhousecoopers on shareholder value vs. sustainable economic growth (side note: i need IT work, my handwriting is horrible).
maybe i should be a CIA analyst
reflections on the weekend: arizona=good, heat=bad. delayed flight=bad. power outage at airport=bad. cactus=good. weddings make you think too much. fate=good. california recall=bad. writing=good.
i dunno, its been 2 weddings in a month for me now. and its weird because they talk during the ceremonies about relationships and stuff like that and it just makes the mind work hard when youre actually listening to what's being said. also makes things very confusing and emotional. i kinda cant wait to get home because not being home put various things on my mind. at the same time, its hard to deal with home. *sigh* what to do, what to do...
you're weird like that
a cloud, a haze
when you're under one side, you see darkness, rain
the sun doesn't shine and things don't look too bright out
maybe you get blown over by a storm,
lightning strike and thunderbolts
now trip above that cloud
sun for miles and miles
and the horizon is endless
things look limitless and airplanes shoot like silver bullets
but i know i'm protected from it all
yes, you're weird like that
moving west to east off the coast
different formations of wisps or density
that make me your eagle
as i flutter in between your cover and eventually
into your sun
(800pm)-power outage at the airport means the entire place is locked down. security checkpoints closed off, fire units in, ATC evacuated, no aircraft movement, who knows what the deal is...
(130am)-just got in from tucson. long travel day- 14 hours. got stuck in charlotte for 3+ hours. more updates later on the trip, i was writing all weekend and poems and the likes. bed now (if im not jetlagged...)
09/08/03(830am)- as im showering...
so i look in your direction
and you pay me no attention, do you?
i know you don't listen to me
cause you say you see straight through me, don't you
on and on, from the moment i wake
till the moment i sleep
i'll be there by your side
just you try and stop me
i'll be waiting in line just to see if you care
but you want me to change
well i change for good
and i want you to know
that you always get your way
i wanted to say
don't you shiver
shiver
sing it loud and clear
i'll always be waiting for you
so you know how much i need you
but you never even see me do you?
and is this my final chance of getting you?
on and on, from the moment i wake
till the moment i sleep
i'll be there by your side
just you try and stop me
i'll be waiting in line just to see if you care
but you want me to change
well i change for good
and i want you to know
that you always get your way
i wanted to say
don't you shiver
don't you shiver
sing it loud and clear
i'll always be waiting for you
i'll always be waiting
it's you i see but you don't see me
and it's you i hear so loud and clear
sing it loud and clear
i'll always be waiting for you
so i look in your direction
but you pay me no attention
and you know how much i need you
but you never even see me
(110am)-wrote this whole entry before my dad turned the surge off during my cd burn and the computer ran for it. anyways. backing up, i just finished packing for tucson. we're leaving tomorrow straight after work and then going to be there for grampa's wedding til tuesday. should be fun. i need to clear head after this week. anyways. wed night i sat around being bored. but i did make a final decision that i am going to law school. dont know where im applying yet, but basically im not taking a year off. i just have yet to figure out where im gonna go...*sigh*
yesterday was elises birthday and we got the entire bank to sing to her at her branch. then work went okay and cheryl came over afterwards. we had some birthday cake and we and shannon and rayna came with and all of us went to hartford to the band slam. rane won best groove rock and best drummer again and so we saw rane in the rane. good set (my 6th anniversary show), good listing, but average energy. good times all around though (except for the rain).
as for today, it was a normal long day at the bank and then some packing. not much happened around here this afternoon. however, as typical for this summer, i cant say the day ended on a good day, so im looking forward to tomorrow's departure. things i wanna do- take a little time to myself, obviously the wedding, drive around the desert and take some mountain scenery shots with the slr, desert museum, maybe go into mexico... if anyone around these parts feels like talking, call my cell. if anyone wants to im me, im "smalruscell." i guess part of me doesnt want to remove me 100% from home this weekend. i could just use some friends about now...
06/08/03(500pm)- yesterday was a so so day. the weather had everyone's mood skewed and on top of it all, i balanced 140$ short. i wasnt happy about that at all. things started looking up towards the end of the day when i met with andrew to discuss my audition tape for the habs contest. i think it should come out pretty decently. now i just have to script it... went to bed early and happy for the first time in almost a month last night.
today i woke up and struggled to get in the shower since elise was already in it but she didnt have to leave til after me. talk is of seeing lewis black in albany if zoya drives. anyways. worked on some more artwork. everything is in folio 1 but i'll be doing the exposition on the site so hang in there. like i said somethings are hidden and others are plain and clear. todays work was fairly boring, but im thinking of making a big pot of chili next thursday for everyone and cooking it in the bank. um, not much going on. not much going on tonight. we'll see what happens at the band slam tomorrow. *shrug* maybe ill have interesting news later?
05/08/03(100am)- tonight i started working with adobe photoshop and psp8. so im trying to work in the digital medium of art stuff and while im not an graphic artist per se, i still have that creative spark thats driven me to start "Smalrus Abstracts Folio 1," a collection of originals. a large part of this has come out of me having better graphics tools than before and being able to do more with it. there was a point where i was tired of having to swipe different peoples graphics/pictures all the time for my own use. now, my computer can become a canvas and my website a gallery. also, its something i can do as an outlet to put myself into visual media. each of the abstracts has a different theme to it in colours, effects/textures, symbols... theres things hidden in the meanings of the pictures and sometimes straightforwardly said in abstract enigmatic masks. and yet each one can be interpreted differently. anyways. in addition to that, andrew and i are starting tomorrow to work on putting together a tape of me to try and win this contest. an american anglo in montreal? my odds are horrible. but what the hell eh?
04/08/03(900pm)- not much happened during the day yesterday. went to see bend it like beckham with jen last night. i enjoyed it. ****. the cinematography was well done, the cultural issues were well addressed, the music was good. and all the girls were cute. there were a lot of issues to tackle and although you knew it might be a happy ever after ending, it wasnt sure. anyways, i really liked it and im glad i went to see it.
today at work was long, boring, tiring and i was all around tired. not much happened after work. looking at the nytimes job market opportunities. doesnt look good for entry level positions. um, cant say ive got much more to say right now. i wish i did.
02/08/03(1130pm)- today was a better day. still wish i knew where the early july updates got lost in cyberspace. *shrug* still learning how to work this computer. its proving to be very interesting. xp is and isnt a lot like win98. um. yesterday was fairly boring after work although work was a massively long and exhausting day. but after work i bummed around til dinner and then went to andrews. we watched some snl celebrity jeopardys and what not that i downloaded, then andrew and i figured out how to play spider solitaire. so we were playing that til midnight before i went to bed.
sbm must have unblocked my website because denise was reading it this morning. today was a busy day at the bank too. came home, didnt do much, went to jens. pleasant talk, im happy about things. came home. did nothing until dinner whence we left at 830 to find a place to eat and ended up at outback at 910. so we just came back. outback was really good. my morning jacket is playing montreal 9/9. sam roberts 9/16. jean leloup 11/7. not sure who else. im just in a much better mood now after today. anyways yeah im kinda full/bloated after that huge outback dinner so im gonna call this updates quits.
01/08/03(200pm)- writing this during lunch at work. decided to bring my computer in to keep me busy and keep me company. ive also been getting the late lunches so its kinda been like im by myself. meanwhile, sbm blocked my site from internet access. we cant figure out whats on it thats so bad that now everyone here at the bank isnt allowed to see it. particularly since we looked at it here at the bank only in the last couple days. what happened to my site in the last couple days that they blocked it for? *shrug*
today at the bank is really busy. not much going on other than lots of customers. anyways. its been a while since the last time i did a survey. havent seen them around much lately so i was surfing nate's website and saw one from may. so i decided to go ahead and fill it out. cant say theres much thats happened since last time i updated. im just eating lunch bored, taking a break from todays friday rush. yeah...
(1230am)- guess i had problems with net2ftp with them cutting off the first half of july. its lost for good. went rollerblading with my dad tonight. really nice conversation about questioning authority and whatnot. asking the question "why" and making points of contention. the conversation then morphed into knowing the answers to life and how im at the stage where i have all the questions but none of the answers. and my line was that, i feel right now that i wish i was 30. i wouldnt have all the answers, but id be past all the questions. and then the conversation morphed into seeking advice and how sometimes we put things off in our lives, hoping something better comes along, but sometimes theres no better time than now. like families for instance. maybe ill get a degree, maybe ill get a job, maybe ill get that raise... thats all nice, but you make excuses for everything, hoping the timing will be better. so why not now. makes sense. i guess thats a piece of advice i keep tucked away in my head. anyways, the whole "not knowing what happens after graduation" thing is spooking me a little. i wish i was 30. i wish i knew how, in the next 9 years, im going to figure out future schooling, future careers, future relationships, future family, etc...anywho, its almost 1am now. im having another decent conversation going on, just needed to get some off my chest. im glad my dad and i talked when rollerblading. weve gotten to do that a lot more this summer and i think its definitely brought us back to the days when i used to run with him and we'd bond talking.
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