1/30/00-Wow, today is super bowl day. i don't really care for pro football, i'm much more inclined to watch college football because somehow, the pros aren't as interesting to watch. they hype up football to the nth degree and the players are never even on the same teams every year. i guess that's the reason i don't like basketball much. and even one of my favorite sports, hockey has gotten that way in recent years...but i'll watch the game tonight for the ads and the game because it is the only pro football game i actually watch in the year.

12 days since the last reflection...i guess i'm getting better to a point...on the other hand, not much has happened in 12 days that's made mentionable here...i still have yet to fix the frames and some of you may have noticed a short period in which the bottom frame was shrunken on homestead.com. i was hoping to eliminate geocities' popup box, but it only made things worse...good news is that we're going to the wadsworth atheneum in march to visit the salvator dali exhibit. he's one of my favorite artists because i think his surreal designs are really neat. i'm not into the interpretation as much as i am just looking at the paintings. like his famous watch painting...to me, its so neat that he can take something like watches, put them in the background of a desert, and have them bending over branches and tables...i don't know that it has to be interpretive of anything...it just looks neat...like how could something like that have never been imagined before? so i'm psyched for this. after all, he is my artist of the year...i have a calendar of his for 2000

i'd like to take this opportunity to wish dave and carrie happy belated 17th b'days. i didn't mention it before but i'm reminded that i still have to find them something :) you know in light of that, i started thinking about my own b'day which is in a little less than 7 months. i'll be 18, which in the us means that i'll legally be an adult. in canada it means that i'd be legally able to drink. now i'm not the type of person who cares about drinking, but it's always been tradition that when a guy is able to drink, they go out that night and get a few. (unfortunately, too many believe you can get a few before you're legal). but my birthday is in the beginning of freshman orientation week (about 2 days into school) of probably the majority of colleges. if i don't get into mcgill, this won't work, but here's the plan if i do...since it'll only be the second day, i'll still be trying to meet people, but people are still trying to remember your name, let alone who you are. so i'm gonna be legal on my birthday in montreal and go to a club and have a few drinks and meet some women and then see what happens ;)

but i don't know if i'm going there yet, decisions for mcgill don't come out til late march/1st week of april...where i do know i can go is penn state, that's right, i got accepted to penn state. that's great cause it wipes out uconn, umaryland, syracuse, and gwu, which were my backup schools. but penn state is up on my list, prolly around the fourth school up there, so i know that if i got accepted to nowhere else, i'll be going to a school i'd like to be at...(besides, it would heat up the big ten rivalry in this house, with my dad having gone to northwestern. that's another school i'm looking to get into though...)

on the miscellany side...i saw american beauty finally and it was a pretty good movie but i don't think it was the best movie i've ever seen...one day i'm gonna write a review for it when i get around to it. we've gotten a goodways into tech crew for our musical, bye bye birdie. the songs are stupid and the plot is like elvis, but our one piece per 5 sets should be very interesting. carlson always has some good plans. today my dad got us tickets to the musical of 1776 for april so it should be neat...that's like the first play i'll have seen since before i started on tech crew.

speaking of tech crew...i worked the chinese new year celebration for the chinese culture club at timothy edwards yesterday. let me say, it was really good and i'm glad i had the opportunity to do it. so i got to te at 12 and went to the theater. we had to go over mic stuff and setups and tapes and of course, none of us really know the te auditorium that well. but in doing this job, i think we learned it a little better. the reason for it being at te was because there was something over at the high school already. and so someone convinced the ccc to have it at te. te is crap compared to the high school and what we're used to, but it's not bad actually for what i think a middle school should have. but they were really nice about everything, these two people in particular. they were like helping us with some of the setup stuff and when julian and i had dinner they made sure we had enough. the show went really well. they had a big opening dragon dance and some cool wushu demonstrations and a lion dance and a couple of other songs and dances. of course i couldn't understand half of when they were speaking chinese, but it really was cool stuff. i enjoyed working it immensely. and i got this traditional envelope of money and mine was signed by the keynote vip, dr. henry lee, world's leading forensics expert among many titles. and we had this big chinese dinner and whatnot. and culturally, it was neet to see. i wanna be chinese now...i didn't understand everything, but it was fun to watch nonetheless. i got to see margaret and her friends, andrea (visit her web site), lotus, jenny and karen (whom they laugh at me cause i think she's cute), they were also in the dragon dance, margaret was the tail. but it was cool to meet them...i was looking forward to hanging out with them at dinner. but i still had fun.

so today we were supposed to go skiing, but due to the fact that no one had their hw done and the fact that tonights the super bowl and the fact that i was supposed to have a usy event but it got cancelled, we didn't go. maybe next time. today i haven't done much but tutored and kinda worked on some other stuff.

i was listening on the news and they were talking about the presidential stuff...first of all, president clinton's state of the union address once again, set idealistic goals that we wish our country could follow but can't. we are one of the best nations in the free world, but we're also not. we set a lot of double standards that buracracy can't see. but anywho...the way i see it, if the election was for whatever candidate we wanted and i could vote today (cause i can vote in november)...i think i would vote for bill bradley, or if i had to go republican, it would be john mccain. because people don't realize that george w is the son of the man who fucked up the country 8 years ago. they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...case in point...and gore's ok (i find myself a democrat), but i mean one of the main deciding factors for me is the church vs. state deal. and mccain and bradley are the only ones staying out of it. and the wasps are coming out by the droves to vote bush, and that's a reason i'd wanna live somewhere else. with a republican, we get prayer in schools. i'm most likely at a private institution next year and even at public universities if i go there, they don't care at that point, but the thought of prayer in school is kinda sickening...nobody should be subjected to having or not having to pray in school at a certain time of day...they don't even do that in israel, where there's 3 major religions there. prayer is what you do on your own private time alone, not public time togther.

nuala's in her tank, we got that all set up so the fish is back. i think everyone's happy about that. i did get the backstreet boys cd and i'm taking a liking to the newest nsync song...but anyways...this is pretty long and i still have schoolwork to do that i should work on so i'm going to go now. as always, more pending...that's my story and i'm sticking to it........

1/18/00- I'm actually doing a daily update this time around...i came to the conclusion that not many people come to my site and if they do, there's only three people that i think come on a regular basis...the rest could care less about me and whats going on...true, i know i hadn't updated in a while, but again, the only people that kept reminding me were those 3 people...no one else cared...here's an exerpt from an e-mail i wrote andrew the other day in self-pity...

"at this point in my life, i feel like i'm speaking to no one. hell, i dont even know if anyone but the 3 of you guys knows what the address to my site is. and that makes me feel all the more ready for college...because right now i don't know how to bring back the friendships i'mm losing and i know that college will only be the same thing. you'll all prolly be at uconn together but me. and that's fine because we all want to go to school where we want. but you'll have an easier time being able to keep those bonds in person. i wont. either we're all going our separate ways together right now, or i'm the only one going my separate way."

we were talking in english about friends, and it made me think, what's the difference between friends and acquaintances? there's a big difference...there are so many people that i call my friends, but are nothing more than acquaintances...its sad, people say that you gain your core from your friends, but i feel that even some people that were friends of mine...even good friends of mine...have become little more than people i'll hang out with or talk to a lot...there's quite a lack of people in my life that actually listen to what i have to say, that i make myself seem less one-dimensional than people think...

so i guess the purpose of this site is for myself...and like with everything i've written about do i keep the reader in mind? yes and no. yes because i know that anyone around the world could potentially visit my site. no because i know that no one does. so i keep the smalrus web site true to what it is...essentially a journal of my thoughts, my feelings, and who i am at any given time...have i sparked some debate in the processs? perhaps, but is there anyone who actually gets anything from what i'm saying? no...i guess i just lead a one dimensional life, but hey, here comes ol' cynic again, huffin down the street...so basically, since i don't know who does or who doesn't come to this site and read stuff so i guess that people only read what i tell them to(other than andrew who misinterpreted something in a reflection and wrote me back on it...) so this page is essentially dumping ground for all my problems...think of it as a diary with the the key being the world wide web and who knows, maybe on the longshot chance that i'm famous, it'll all have started here...

so onto my diary for today...i woke up and studied more for my physics test. got to school, the theater was locked. i had to present for english, and so i got that mess cleared up. then i took my physics test...i studied about 2 1/2-3 hrs for that and i got the test and i just sat there and didn't know what to do. i got the lab and the short essay, its the rest of the test i just plain didn't get...so i don't think i did well at all...then was english...jenn talked about friendships and tim talked about american culture...and then we talked about precognitive committment and my inclass essay on that'll prolly be up on the site sometime...and then we went to the auditorium for my presentation...and so nikhil helped me out on the violin and i played the piano and apparently i swore a few times in the presentation...but my presentation was on love...and i think the majority of it and the reason for the topic change was basically due to the reevaluation of my feelings on certain people...

anyways, since my dad is on my case to get me in bed at 1130, i'll make the rest quick (as it is, i cut short the rest...) basically i got a ride home with angela and maggie, came home and did crap all day. had a piano lesson, worked on this, and went to the fish stores w/my dad to price some tanks and we came up with a few options and i'll talk about those later...

tomorrow: the all day party, i buy the millenium cd, a brandeis interview at storrs, more party, maybe some thesis journal since i haven't done that yet (4 pages, puh!) and then some party...anyways...its artificially time for bed...til next time, that's my story and i'm sticking to it...

1/16/00- well, its been a long time coming and i can say here is the smalrus website, version 4.0. this site was uploaded prematurely, basically because its been 3 mos w/out any changes and i felt something should be up rather than nothing. any media files from the previous site are still located on this site through the original Smalrus/ index. you'll notice several new changes on the site. one is the graphics...i've tried a new graphics overhaul on the site. unfortunately for some, i still have frames and unless i learn javascript and/or image mapping, this is what you're stuck with. there is a tribute page to my dog, josie, who passed away this past december. you'll notice the site is refonted. i came to learn that no computer but mine was able to take advantage of the star trek fonts i had. many backgrounds are different and some new and coming midi files. the reflections page is gonna be archived by month from this point on, same with the star trek quotes. and instead of daily, they'll be updated when i get to it...if its daily or a few days or a week, then that's it...because i'm not gonna kid myself- i'm lazy. that's also why its taken me a month to put this out. planned changes also include my literary works (thesis journal), movie reviews page, and new songs perhaps to the guitar page. also will be a picture of the day(or so) that people can submit pics for my approval or i'll put my own up everyday(or so). other stuff will be added as necessary...

3 months to catch up and so much to say...lets start at the top...and what i can remember from my calendar....

October-I took my sat Is again and got a 1290. not bad, but not good, particularly for the schools i applied to. the final application list goes as follows...mcgill, northwestern, emory, wash u., penn st, umich, brandeis, gwu, syracuse, umaryland, uconn...homecoming '99-the theme was austin powers and there wasn't really anyone that went...the night kinda bombed until the end when we finally started grinding with somegirls...of course it was a struggle to find someone i could do it with and not make an ass out of myself by myself. then we had halloween weekend at jons again...went rather well, we made out with a ton of candy ourselves and scared the crap outa little kids. i was a zombie again, but was a little more convincing this time...(although i could still feel the rope around my neck after i took it off)...vision checked...i'm 20/10 that's 1/3000 vision...doesn't the navy want me now? :)

November-First thing i did was see fight club and i bought the book...one of the best movies i've ever seen, despite reviews. you can see mine when i put it up...took sat IIs, didn't do too hot but that's more for placement...nhs ceremony...that was cool we got to wear gowns and get fancy cards and whatnot...unfortunately i missed fall convention, that sucked, but i saw the new james bond movie...it was soso. got the new 3eb album...blue- awesomeness. i love the lyrics and the music and almost burned a whole in the cd that weekend. ran for the 3rd time in the manchester road race. unfortunately i lost to my dad. but i burned myself out in the first mile...i was glad i finished, i only trained 6 times. hrm...what else did i do in november...well that was that post thanksgiving tough shit hassle in which i think i nearly wrecked a friendship...and since everyone knows my feelings about this person, there's not much i can say here thats not been said already. its been a tough 2 months since this has happened. my feelings haven't changed---they just keep hanging over my head in our friendship...theres a song that might go up here on that...basically i wrote a college essay and it caused me to reevaluate feelings...unfortunately theres a conflict in feelings and a too little too late situation...andrew's website doesn't like discussing serious topic like love and religion and whatnot, but that's what this site's always been about...the issues that no one wants to talk about...so...in regards to discussing love and what that is, i'll wait til i've mapped out my midterm presentation on love and then talk about it on the site.

December-The beginning of the month opened with a meeting for usy to discuss the future of our chapter. it was decided that we do want one and so i'll still be president of our chapter, however i don't believe that it will be easy to get this back on track. our membership is rather low period, which doesn't lend itself to a readily successful chapter. and our membership pool isn't large either, which makes it that much harder. But we'll see. Hanukkah started and i think that this yeah i had the easiest time coping with the whole christmas season. but andrew put it best how i feel...stuff i've been trying to say before but have done so confrontationally..."everybody feels like they're leaving you out, so they overcompensate, but dont realize that you may not want to automatically be a part of what they're doing. they feel like they have to include you, so they try hard..." and i thank you for doing so, but its not necessary. so for hanukkah i got a shirt, some aaa movie passes, and a new accoustic guitar. and of course a few miscellany gifts from other people. ran in the santa run for the second time, also lost to my dad...i had a 7min mile pacing the first mile and then ended up slipping to a 10min mile pace by the 3rd mile...now that i'm in theater management, i can finally get some money doing jobs. worked 4 shows and aimed lights at te. te auditorium is horrible and all you do is get stuck with rinaldi's roadie, skip, who works sound...and he knows nothing about anything...we put on the production of mash. it was pretty good, no major screwups. the show itself was boring but we didn't do too bad. the other seniors didn't do it, but i did. and the freshmen weren't too bad on this show. so hopefully we can teach them all stuff to keep the theater going next year. and a final touch of chumbawamba as a nod to sophomore year :)...but it got to be a very tough month here...we were supposed to go to arizona to visit my grandparents, but they didn't go because she had to have hysterectomy surgery. and a few days later my dog died. and to top it off, my problems with this girl started to resurface again. it was an extremely stressing week. i worked the high school concert in hopes to alleviate some of it, but found myself not doing anything and thinking about what i was trying to get my mind off instead...vacation started...i had an interview at syracuse and a nice 4 hour drive up in the snow...i dunno what else happend, i didn't see any movies...but i started updating a lot of this site i think during vacation...then was new years...i got up at 440 to see it rung in first and then went back to bed for 5 hrs. i didn't do much all day but watch the celebrations and my favorite was the eiffel tower...i mean the pyrotechnics were awesome and hey, i've been there. so that night i went to the concatellis first for an hour and i was able to throw in some stuff in my wallet for the time capsule. and so pete was there and andrew and sarah and mr and mrs c and garrett and keith and their parents. so we were eating cake and keith looks up after finishing half his piece and he's like, "you have forks?" lol, it was hilarious...but then i left because i didn't know which party i wanted to be at so i went to jons and showed up half naked. and there was a party there...i didn't drink cause i had to drive home. but basically that brought us into...

January-well i'm about 2 weeks in so i'm closing on the end of this reflection...the party at jons was pretty funny...we had a pretty good time and then it got goofy around 1230 when jon scott and i went half-streaking in like 30 degree weather...but it was pretty crazy...on new years day, my dad and i went to ski sundown for a day of skiing...there was no natural snow but the whole mountain was open. the snow they made was great...we had a real good day skiing, a lot of runs in...still no farleyfest in a while...i went w/sarah and my parents to get my accoustic guitar...its an electric accoustic yamaha...really better quality from my old guitar. and again, old wounds opened again...i still haven't seen rane in a while and i missed the 2 all ages shows they had this month...maybe next month...2 birthday parties, one for julia, one for carrie and dave...they went well i guess...we got a class fish in calculus named nuala after our old math teacher...its a blue betta. but it's pretty cool. we need to figure out how to take care of it better...and i had an interview with a guy from northwestern the other day...it went rather well, better than the syracuse one...i kinda patched up some of the old wounds with my friend, but it will never be the same so long as my feelings are out there and are just hanging there...its like, here, i've said how i feel, that's it. but other than that our friendship won't be the same again, where is anything going with my feelings- or was it wasted to tell her i love her? so we're in the middle of midterms now...and i have an interview this week for brandeis...i've been helping margaret with her term paper on the scopes monkey trial...i've written a new song...i'm prolly working sound for our musical bye bye birdie...what else what else...oh right, as i've mentioned before...andrew's web site is up and the link will be up sometime...i've been helping him learn html so its been pretty good and its a way to communicate back and forth between each other...except that whereas before it was margaret and me doing sites, now everyone in creation wants a site...even my sister! hopefully we'll be going to the salvatore dali exhibit when it's at the wadsworth...he's one of my favorite artists...and i'm using his calendar to recall the events of the past month...whatelse whatelse whatelse...? nothing much that i can think of...just 3 months worth of big change in my life...my world is not the same and i'm itching to see what happens when i leave for college...thats my story and i'm sticking to it

Past reflections: