6/28/00-two months til moving day. yesss!!!!!!! well, as you can see, i've gotten all the pictures up on my site and all the bugs worked out (the captions were mis-html coded last night). the picture quality is kinda sporatic on the site. on my computer, they're really good quality, so if there's a bunch of pics you want and they're not saving clear, after reloading, tell me what ones you want and i'll mail them.

http://members.nbci.com/Smalrus/seniorpictures.html

basically, the past two days have been at work and we haven't done much but weedwack around the reservoir. it's quite interesting because we don't do much at all. i'm learning what it's like to be one of the working class stiffs. definitely a learning experience, not as much in terms of skill, but in terms of interaction with some of the guys. the end of the day is really interesting cause there's this one guy, paul, whom they sometimes call "the village idiot." and so today, there was a new kid, ben, who's gonna be a senior next year. so it's me, mike, steve, and ben. they also gave us another truck today that's only about 2 weeks old. so i got to drive the new truck with ben. and basically we did the most weedwacking today around lydall reservoir, near the bolton line. coffee breaks, lunch, 30 mph rides, etc...it should make another interesting 7 1/2 weeks. ah well, i move in 2 months, so it won't seem like too long, considering the way the day is broken up ends up giving us a grand total of 6 hrs of possible time. hey, i've made a few bucks so far, so i'm ok. next wednesday, i gotta do a 4 1/2 training session that's mandatory by OSHA regulations that train me on safety, how to use the equipment, etc. whatever, i'm getting paid to watch 4 1/2 hrs of cheesy videos. that's been about it, and i'm sure that's about it for the next 7 1/2 weeks. the weekends will be great when i don't have to get up at 6am to be there at 7. chill chill chill...

6/27/00-its 11pm, no time to talk tonight, i spent about 7 hrs working on the pics and am happy to say that there are 60 new pictures at the following link: http://members.nbci.com/Smalrus/seniorpictures.html

6/25-26/00-today's a do nothing day, but it comes in the middle of a few eventful days...hopefully tomorrow i start work and the last 2 days have been kinda busy. friday was julie's birthday party, which was pretty nuts. i showed up late as usual, but when i got there it was julie, emily, andrew, sarah, pete, and a few other sophomore friends of hers that i didn't really know too well. so we were all chillin around the pool...and of course, onion dip...yeah, other dips are good, but onion dip is the best...so we were hanging around, had some pizza, played in the pool, etc, then andrew, sarah, and pete went to meet their friends at the airport, so they'll be busy for the next week. so it was me, julie, emily, and a bunch of the sophomores, then ross ericson came, and a little later, brian mauer and some other girl came. so we played some darts and pool, i kept getting emily with the chalk and so she went in the pool to wash it off, so i went too, except then julie followed me, so they ganged up on me and kept trying to nail me with the water ball, except they kept missing. so i was running around the pool getting chased by the two inside the pool. then emily kept trying to throw me in, only i threw her in twice. and julie was in the pool trying to peg me with the ball and splash me with the kickboard. so finally she got out and they cornered me so i jumped in myself. then they got in, i got out and it started again...so emily was chasing me around again and just when i was trying to wrestle her into the pool, julie pegs me square in the hot spot, leaving me a bit in pain, and quite vulnerable, so emily throws me in. it hurt. and i think i pulled a thigh muscle in the process of it all, so i was kinda sore. we were all fooling around more, mauer kept pushing people into the pool. then we had cake and julie seemed to have a hard time blowing out the cake. you know it's all fun and games til someone gets cake on them...then it's just fun. so basically i got cake on emily, she got cake in my hair, i got cake in her ear. it was great. lately, emily's been a lot nicer to me (well, relatively speaking), of which i think i like her more when she's nice to me then well, the way it used to be. like she actually talks to me now, which is better than what it used to be. dunno why but hey, i'll take it...

(con't 6/26-happy birthday to andrew and sarah!)-lets see, ah yes, the party...so then i left, went home and didn't do much. i think that was it. onto saturday

saturday was 104fest and i must say, it tore shit up. after a few planning calls, scott comes to pick me up around 930. amazing that he doesn't even have a tape deck in his car, so we can't listen to any of the 104fest artists on my cds. anyways. first thing out of my driveway: "if you start to smell something funny, that's probably the...whoa, i just ran that stop sign" perfect scott fashion. so we head over to the mobile station off oakland, gas up, and pick up margaret. scotts car is a pos and we couldn't get 106.9 in without this high pitched whine. headed to 291 and floored it to the meadows. we were supposed to meet chris, but we couldn't get a hold of him by anymeans (even though he was online and no response to email or im or phone call both at 9am or 11)...so we were gonna meet up with him at 930-10 at the main gates, but we never saw him there. got out at the connecticut expo center and of course, the guys are running around the parking lot trying to sell bootleg concert shirts for $10. they weren't bad, but you could tell they were bootleg, so why bother? after waiting for a while in line, people started hurling frisbees around so it got hectic, but they finally opened the gates and we got to go in for our 13 hr concert.

so it's me margaret and scott standing around. scott's hungry, so we go inside and he gets his hotdog and pepsi (rip off prices, but you couldn't expect anything less at a concert venue). i get my shirt, he gets his, margaret's really patient and just waiting around for us. its not like any bands we knew were on yet. no one we knew really came on before 3 (except for dynamite hack, but i didn't catch that...) so we walk around and hit the 104 stage and watch this band, jamyang, for a little while, and scott got excited when they started a van halen cover, but we were already walking around more by then. we started to walk all the vendors stands, look at patches, etc. made our way to watching some sucky skateboarders in a quarterpipe, and a few bikers. at around 1130, this band, bowling for soup, came onto the 1st stage. so we started watching them. they started coming on with this chant, "we like fat guys" until the band came on. and there was this fat guy who must have been 3-400 pounds that was playing guitar (although we couldn't actually tell if he was playing, i think he wasnt). he kept throwing his pick behind his back, catching it and "playing" again. finally in the middle of one song, he dropped his pants, showing yellow boxers on a fat ass. so we left (rumor has it, later in the set, he took it all off). in taking off, at around 12ish, we walked around some more and noticed that the djs were throwing out dee snider radio shirts. so we went over to try and get some and who did we meet? the concatellis' cousin, brendan. i swear, i see him at every concert i go to. it's nuts. anyways, he was trying to get a shirt also. around 1ish, we started to head to the front of the crowd around the djs. margaret was keeping an eye out for the dussaults (who also came with ryan scanlon and christine abbie) so scott and i were waiting and finally i got a shirt around 230ish and scott was determined that he was gonna stay til he got a shirt, but by 4ish, he came back still with no shirt. i felt bad, of course i spoke up to the dj to get mine ("hey man, we've been waiting an hour here, what'd i ever do to you?)

anyways, we all hung out for a while by the 104stage, where angry salad played at 330. they played a bunch of album songs and a few that weren't and scanlon was all happy because he didn't realize he knew the lead guitarist, alex grossi. so when he found out he was all proud and everything. but they played a really good set, everyone else went and bought the album afterwards. my review is still up on this page. and we got stuff autographed. my cd was in the car, so i had them autograph my shirt. 2 people had passed out to alcohol :P scanlon then wanted to make it to the main stage so we could catch some catherine wheel (whom i never heard of). and lisa and geoff were there and ran over to us to hang. but rane was on at 5, so we left that early and everyone came to see rane. unfortunately, they only had a half hour to play so they only got 4 songs in: minutes, circus ride, flutter (with a short jam before alan sings his part), and goomba (with solos ordering travis/kurt, dan, and kurt on the marimbas). the set dropped the shit, even though i missed hearing the B3 before alan's singing solo in flutter-i think that's the best part of that song. everyone ended up getting stickers while i got a camelopardalis shirt :) i think at that time, i was starting to suffer heat exhaustion and could barely stand without getting dizzy, so we got refreshments and headed back to the mainstage to see the tailend of eve 6 and then 3 doors down. 3 doors down was alright and erin, lisa, geoff, scanlon, and i went to get food and meet up with nikhil whom we told to meet at 745 at the main gate. go figure, some guy splatters ketchup all over the back of my leg. so anyways, we meet up with nikhil, who's just wandering around the front. go call our parents and catch the sevendust set midway through. they actually sucked. i was disappointed, the sound quality was the worst of any band we saw. we toughed it out through that and this kid and girl were sitting next to me with a bong and they asked us if we wanted some, but we were good little kids and refused it, no pressure. of course, i had to be the one standing downwind of the pot fumes, but hey...isnt that part of the experience? if you're not gonna do it, you're gonna end up smelling like it anyways...

then at 9, creed came on. they completely tore the place up. completely. this was my third concert and i dont think the other 2 concerts were as amazing as this one in terms of stage presence. the sound quality was like the album and the band didn't deviate too much from the recorded styles, but they kicked ass and the crowd was completely pumped. there were pyrotechnics and everything. then a drop came down that had one of the funky creed symbols and later, the lights shone a chinese dragon's image on it, with eyes that were clocks. the crowd was great, with the exception of this one guy who just sat there through the whole set and didnt move, just sat, prolly doped up on something...everyone was singing and everything...scott stapp was really powerful and i think had the most emotion of anyone that sang that we saw. again like i said in my human clay review, the lyrics are really meaningful, without any obscenities or anything, yet they're not preachy, which is why creed is such a great influential band. we need more bands like that. i have yet to figure out how they hooked up with sevendust (who wrote and dedicated a song to creed in their set). creed was phenomenal, suffice to say...they played a 90 minute set til 1030. there were only 3 songs they didn't do that they usually do during a show. the set list went:::

1. Ode
2. Torn
3. Beautiful
4. Say I
5. My Own Prison
6. What If
7. Unforgiven
8. Illusion
9. Faceless Man
10. With Arms Wide Open
11. What's This Life For

ENCORE
1. One
2. Higher

then we waited an hour to get out of the parking lot. that in itself was an experience since they were running around selling bootleg shirts and traffic was bumper to bumper. luckily, nikhil was out watching the traffic for scott, who then cut off a bunch of people and we floored it home, dropped margaret off (who left for summer classes in nyc), dropped nikhil off, and then we headed over to 7-11. and by then, scott and i were just plain loopy. by the time i got in bed, it still managed to be 2am, normal bedtime

woke up the next morning, did something and went back to sleep (shows i remember what that something was)...then got up again around 12 and did nothing til i took elise to a graduation party for her friend's brother. so i bothered scott at work and we went to mcdonalds afterwards. damn, i ate 3 cheeseburgers and prolly woulda eaten 3 more if i had more money. those things are shrimpy as all hell. came home, went for a swim with my dad, ate dinner, and putzed around the night. watched the iron chef in new york; the bobby flay battle. morimoto won and kicked the arrogent american's ass. good show. called it early and went to bed. finished reading sarah's thesis and then hit the light.

today started work. 7am had to be at the water treatment plant in manchester. :P got there and punched in. started workin with this guy named steve. looks like he's about 52. then there was this kid, mike, who looked like he was prolly 18-19, but i found out later in the day that he's 2 years away from his masters, which puts him about 22-23. yikes. so basically all we did was drive around manchester in the water division 4x4 under the speed limit. we did about 2 hrs tops of weed wacking all day (those gas powered weedwackers with the sawblades on the end) at 9am was a 20min coffee break at mcdonalds, 1145-1230 was lunch and that was it. did nothing basically the rest of the day, got a 20 min nap in around 220ish til we left. got back to the plant around 3, washed up and hung around with the guys til punch out time at 330. the last 1/2 hr was two of the older guys arguing about one of the guys farting in the other guy's face. talk about mature...7 weeks, thats it :)

after that, i went to my dad's office to drop off the car. then my mom picked me up, we went to ames, got me work boots, some stuff for college, etc and then went to cvs to pick up 3 rolls of pics from the past month. now i got an answering machine for my dorm. hrm...i don't know what to put as a message though....i might need input for this one, after all, it's my machine... but now the big college shopping is on and anything and everything we can think of that i might need for college, we're already starting to get. and yeah 3 rolls of pictures from bye bye birdie, outing, reception, and grad parties. so that's about 60 plus usable pictures for the page. so tonight, i'm gonna go through them and since i'm putting on 3 to a page, i'm gonna catalog what's on what page and do a table of contents page so people can know where to go if they want a certain picture and not have to cycle through 20 pages looking for it. scanning them is gonna take a bunch of time also, so that's not gonna happen til tomorrow. providing i can get home at a decent hour tomorrow, i'll start on that tomorrow and possibly have it ready for official viewing by wednesday. *sigh* my arms hurt from typing and i gotta work tomorrow :P

6/22/00-another do nothing day. i'm finding a lot of those. i need to start work already. the only thing is, work is from 7am-330. which is good cause its still nights and weekends, but that means i gotta be up at 6 cause the place is in downtown manchester, not the part near the mall. so i filled out a bunch of forms for that so hopefully i start monday, if not tuesday. returned a 6 week overdue library book, dropped off rolls of film that i took from outing, reception, and graduation. did nothing the rest of the day til later on in the day when we surprised valerie for her birthday at her work at world of science in the mall. it was kinda funny cause somehow i ended up sitting on the floor of the store and i dont know why. then i was crawling around the store and i dont know why. andrew, sarah, and emily were there also, so it was a cool group to go walking around the mall with. and then we proceeded to go to the rest of the mall which was also funny. went to hot topic, sam goody, and the funniest store-brentano's. they had geri halliwell's autobio, which was hilarious. goes something like this:

"have you been swimming?" (asks some guy)
"pardon?
"swimming. see, you have a muscle here in this picture."
"what muscle?" asks geri
"see...there's muscle, there's boob. muscle...boob...muscle...boob," he pointed out to the picture

and the picture of geri halliwell in this leather thing that's unzipped from the top to the bellybutton, exposing her breasts and everything and she's kinda flexing and you can't even tell there's a muscle. but reading the book was the funniest thing of the day. so we went walking around, they gave valerie a little mermaid soundtrack and then we putzed around on the way out. came home and watched cool runnings. i think that's number 10 on the top 10 movies i've ever seen. its a great movie with a great story, great songs, and a sad ending (even if it's true). it really is a good movie.

i had this weird dream. i was in montreal, moving into mcgill. and i couldn't find it. looked up, down, left, right, in alleys, etc...couldn't find it. all of a sudden, sarah, andrew, julian, chris, and margaret were there helping me. it was a 3D search to find the school. crawling up buildings, crawling across buildings, in the alleys, over buildings, everything...couldn't find the school. finally, we find a map and see that the we're just east of the school. it was truly a weird dream, but i guess i was trying to figure out if there's any significance to me not being able to find the school or who's in the dream and why they're there...it was really bizarre. (of course the next day, i had this dream about being in a co-ed dorm and more specifically the co-ed bathroom ;) what was funny was hearing nicole say i'm gonna get laid my first week there))

tomorrow-birthday party and then nothing...2 more days til 104fest

60/67

6/21/00-boy a do nothing day. chilled online, talked to brandee some on the phone, and thought about site redesign. and since i dont have much more to talk about, i figure i'll share my tentative schedule for first semester next year (of course this has yet to pass my parents' approval). all of these classes are only monday, wednesday, and fridays which is great cause tuesdays and thursdays are open.)

Intensive Oral and Written French I - 830-1030 (this depends on where i'm placed)
Introduction to Deductive Logic - 1030-1130
International Politics of Economic Relations - 1230-1330
Introduction to Comparative Politics - 1330-1430
Political Theory I - 1430-1530

i figure if i take french and lean my polisci major towards international relations, i could be an international communications or international entertainment lawyer...who knows...

6/20/00(again)-i got a few graduation pictures back and they're scanned and on another site (http://members.nbci.com/Smalrus/graduation.html) like i say, they're not all of them, but some of the ones i've gotten back so far. these were off my parents' camera. i havent even gotten any of my own pics developed yet...i'm waiting til i finish out this next roll. unfortunately, i got 20 more pics to go for that...

6/20/00-sunday was quite the boring day. i got yelled at a bunch for not having a job yet and ended up having to miss the dussaults party but i went to scotts house later in hopes to see some of those funny scott videos, but that didnt happen. instead we watched austin powers 2. which was still pretty funny. then hung out a while and then went home kinda on the late side. supposedly everyone was at uconn orientation today, but scott found there was a mixup so he's not going til next week. monday was another boring day. i dont start work for another week and i took that municipal job in manchester. so there's some paperwork to do and i prolly wont start til next monday. in the meantime i've got a boring week and i may start on a complete site redesign. I might get rid of the frames, put in an image map, etc...yesterday i went running around getting in my police check to the manchester pd, had the high school get my diploma fixed and putzed around the rest of the day. then around 8ish, i went over to the bergmans and we played the great dalmudi which is like a cross between uno and mao. it sucked cause i started as the great peeon for 5 hands in a row until becky finally switched hands with me and then i was lesser dalmudi and then greater dalmudi. and then things were okay. so it was dan and andrew parker, emily, melissa, their little sister, rachel, becky, selina from youth group, me, and then jon bergman and scott showed up. and there were all these decrees where we had to speak in canadian and bark like dogs, compliment nsync, dan had to say he was a ballerina, etc...i was only great dalmudi twice so i made scott sing semi charmed life, dan had to hoot like an owl, andrew had to get down on the ground and bark, melissa had to yell at rachel and becky had to stand, jon had to speak in french, then becky had to speak pig latin and she broke it twice so i deferred punishment til after i was done being great dalmudi, so basically i just had her take a pic with me before she left. it was kinda funny cause scott and i had to speak canadian most of the night so we were running around saying, eh all night, eh? then we left since becky had to leave early in the morning so scott and i headed over to dennys for the ritual appetizer. its always fun to hang at dennys at 11pm. so we talked about working and next year and basicaly i only had 25 minutes to spare. so after a mad dash to eat our food, i went home and continued cleaning out some crap in my room til about 3am and now here i am today with another boring day. i'd have people over, but i dunno who to have cause they're mainly all gone or something. maybe tomorrow or thursday. i got some set times for 104fest and angry salad is playing at 3 and rane is playing at 5, so that's really good timing.

62/69...

6/18/00-well, i'm updating for two days since i havent been able to get online with the laptop lately. i've been going to bed around 3am so its been difficult to do. yesterday was graduation party day and i think i hit just about everyone in town at some point or another. started off the morning getting yelled at (what else is new), and then went to the bank, got my dad a fathers day card about being broke :) and went over to scott's house around 1130-12ish. i wanted to get there early to talk to becky, but that never ended up happening til later in the day. so we hung out there til people started showing up and there were quite a few. so they had a cookout and some cake and all that other good stuff, we ended up playing volleyball and getting in the pool and whatnot. but it was pretty fun even though i found myself kinda being a tagalong to most people all day. *sigh* then around 4ish, it was off to nikhil's party and there werent many people i knew there other than andrew and sarah and a few other people i dont really talk to and of course, a lot of people and a lot of indian food. unfortunately, i wasnt too hungry, otherwise i would have had some. so we hung out there, listened to some rap, etc...then i went to emily knurek's house but she never told me her party didnt start til 8 so i was there myself with emily and mike wetmore. so we left around 545 to go to emily sylvester and melissa bergman's party at emilys house. that was a big ass barbeque, catered, with a dj. somehow valerie knew all the words to the country songs and we ended up doing the boyband shuffle. and foley was there and yurii told me i didn't make jazz ensemble for sophomore year, so that was a disappointment. and casey jones was there. he sang two songs and i didnt realize who he was til later...he played b-ball with the lakers i think, then coached the boston celtics and then coached the new england blizzard. and there were a lot of people there. after i took becky to emily knurek's again so i finally got to talk to her for once without other people...everyone else showed up kinda late and i ended up chillin inside with some people while 80million people were outside in the hottub. and while i kinda wanted to go in, i also had no desire to at the same time, so i just kinda left for chris' party. bethanne was going to leave when i got there and there was bernadette from civil air patrol and a few other guys and dan mccann. so then they left and it was me and chris and dan and melissa showed up and then they started going through the gifts chris got. so we just kinda hung out and i left there around 11ish to meet up with the guys at emily knureks house where they said they'd be, but when i got there, they were all gone. so i called jons dad and he said they just left for the movies. i knew jon and scott wanted to see shaft, so i hightailed it down to the theaters in hopes to catch them, but they werent in the lobby. so i got a ticket and in comes valerie, nicole, and emily hiskis from youth group. so we all go in and theyre not in the theater and the other showing was at 1030 so they wouldnt hve been there. well finally the previews and the opening song are over and in comes jon, scott, and becky. so it was now 7 white kids in a theater full of black people. i swear i must be black or something because i actually thought it was a funny movie, even though the other 6 didn't seem to get some of the humor. nicole ended up walking out when one guy stabbed another guys hand with an ice pick, and i'll admit it was kinda violent, but to each his own. i'm doing my review when i'm done with this so that will be up shortly.

so today is the dussaults party and then some videos at the macdonalds and maybe jon and i will get to finally dye our hair. i'm already late for the dussaults cause it started 20 minutes ago, but i'm always late, plus i'm not on good terms with my parents since i still dont have a job. so tomorrow i make some call backs and try for this clerical position i saw in the want ads for a position in some municipal office in enfield. and hopefully i'll be able to do something with becky tomorrow as well before she leaves. andrew got our third eye blind tix, so that will be an awesome concert even though there are now something like 13 of us going :P orchestra seating rows l and m. i still need a job.

6/16/00- today went rather well but sucked out at the end...i woke up around 10 and i was supposed to get to the high school to get my diploma fixed, but when i woke up, my mom and sister were leaving to go shopping, so i was stuck til about 12, when they came home, we had lunch and then brought my sister to a birthday party. from there, my mom and i went to mailboxes etc where i went to get my passport pictures taken and then we went to the manchester post office to fill out the new passport form so i can have a new one to go off to school with in 4-5 weeks. then i can put my new visa in my new passport *sigh* on the way home, i ended up filling out another application for a clerical spot at some company that sells heavy duty cleaning and janitorial stuff....like the extra strength bleaach and whatnot that businesses and schools use for maintenance...whatever...its a clerical position so i'd be inside and the hours were 8-5 and i think they had reasonable weekend hours, so i wouldnt have too bad of a schedule, even if they worked me all hours. went to the mall to get nikhil his grad gift- the shawshank redemption on dvd...and buy myself a pair of new sandals. only my mom didnt like the sandals so i'm prolly gonna have to take them back :P went to pick up my sister, came home, they all ate while i played along with the new rane album and then i left for the concatellis party

that was going all cool and whatnot and we got to see the concatelli's graduation pictures and jumped in the 60 degree pool and then did a bunch of yearbook signing and a bunch of people came and went. i brought chocolate cake but no one ate it till chase tried some of it around 11ish and then everyone seemed to want some. the party wasnt bad but i was a little bummed for a good part of it cause becky said that since she wasnt gonna be here much longer, she wanted to do stuff with everyone instead of just me. i guess i felt that was why i wanted to do something with her---because she wouldnt be around much longer. i dunno, there's some kind of trend here with personal/group activities- i cant figure it out. it seems like everyone wants to do group activities even though we're running out of time. and its hard to make time for the personal activities when its filled with group activities. so i figured if the graduation parties were over, we would do something since we would have the time. but i guess not. i'm just disappointed because yeah she's not here much longer and she's someone i'd like to get to know better before she leaves and i may never see her again, unlike some of the people in the youth group who may see her some other time. or the fact that since everyone will be in CT next year, if she decides to visit, she can still see everyone within a 45 min drive. and of course, we dont know each other by any means well enough that she'd visit me, which is a complete jump of the gun, but you tend to do that at 225am. i'm just disappointed that this would have been a cool weekend to get to know her personally cause i do like what i know about her, but it doesnt seem to be happening. unless i could talk to her tomorrow and try and straighten out my viewpoint. of course, knowing me, i'd prolly fuck it up worse than before, but hey, when havent i taken those kinds of risks. and hey, when havent i fucked the risks up...? ah geez, why do things always suck out on me with women? *sigh* i'm thinking next summer if i could get money and permission to go to michigan for a few weeks and visit brandee in kalamazoo and becky in ada, but i dunno...i guess i'm lucky i havent completely scared her off that she wont sit next to me or not talk to me at all. still...

i stayed at the concatellis til around 1 and then went home. tomorrows a full day of parties and then who knows what...my plans for tomorrow night seem to be shot for now, so i dont know what will do :P i think i'm gonna talk to her early befor the parties when they're setting up so maybe something decent will come out of it. anyways...best get some rest, its 230am on saturday already....

6/15/00-
that's it---the graduating seniors of 2000 (at around 330am, that is) (clockwise, from left: bethanne, amy, andrew, emily, spencer, scott, alyssa, jon, julia, sarah d, sarah c, chris, lisa)

after 13 years of school, we've finally made it through. its been fun and we've had some good times and some bad times, but in my humble opinion, this is the group that's always stuck it out. our incoming senior friends have been great and added a lot to the group, but i think we've all been the bunch thats been there together through thick and thin.

tuesday was the last day of school for most, but if memory serves me correctly, i stayed home most of the day, with the exception of running around looking for the new rane album. unfortunately, the stores didnt have it and the one that ended up getting it, raised the price 7 bucks. so i waited til wednesday til i could pick it up at borders. i reviewed it on my media page (5/5 stars). they just get better with each progressive album. then i ended up going to daves house for a last day of school party but jon and sarah were at melissa's party so it was kinda boring at first. when i first got there, andrew and garrett and carrie were *attempting* to do the boyband shuffle to nsync, but it was looking kinda dorky and there weren't enough people paying attention so...we just kinda hung out and then erin and kadee came back from jon treybals party and then sarah and jon came back. so it started to get cool and we all just hung out and had a good time.

wednesday was the day of reckoning. got up in the morning and putzed around for a while. oh yeah, tuesday night was the failed te graduation because it was raining. when we got there, dr. wood got on the mic and told us to go home. then the rain stopped. but anyways. tes graduation was 10 am and there were 80 million kids that spoke, including my sister who read a poem. then they whipped through the 8th grade names and it was kinda stupid in retrospect because they're all so sad to be leaving the middle school, when they're going to the high school next year and the only difference is the lack of teams. it seemed kinda stupid to me. i dropped my dad off at work and picked up the rane album only to go home and get online and then i picked up margaret and went over to the concatellis house. so we watched the real world new orleans premiere we missed tuesday night. and then the weather channel kept crapping out and andrew and sarah's grandparents came over and i finally gave sarah her graduation present, which was a picture entitled "virtuoso," of a violin i drew in charcoal on a 5x7 canvas. that was cool so if she wants to hang it up on a wall or something, she'll atleast remember me by something. andrews salutatory speech talked about how you cant put anything material against friendship. i guess not, but sometimes those material things add to the memories of the friendships you have. thats why some objects have more importance to us- the memories that we connect with them makes the material object more special. i just hope it's that way.

you know, i was thinking...all our friends should get those video cameras that you hook up to the computer and put on the monitor. then we could all do video phone via computer and if you use dialpad.com, i bet you could still do it free. that would be cool, but i dunno who would do that...ah well, just an idea. so after running through my wardrobe, we finally decided what to wear and no one wanted to wear sarah's manatee tie, so i did.

came home, had my sister do all my ironing :) showered and peeled off for the high school. unfortunately, my car wasnt decorated like everybody elses, but ah well. went to the gym and put on the cap and gown and then we waited, rehearsed seating cues once more (thank god riaan wore clothes, although he did try and pin the flower to his lip) and then marched around the school, possibly for the last time ever before being led down to the lacrosse field by the bagpipes. they were playing pomp and circumstance, and then we tried marching, but that didnt work cause it looked ridiculous since everyone was moving way too fast. and i spotted a few people on the way, but got to my seat, blah blah...riaan had a monkey mask and bubbles but both were confiscated by some lady. so the ceremony started and andrew gave his speech on friends and tuesdays with morrie and kevin gave his speech on teenage mutant ninja turtles (which wasn't half as bad). then a couple more speeches and the presentation of our diplomas which took forever since we're a class of 309. and the whole time i was hoping they wouldnt mess up my name. hahaa i fooled everyone when they called my name as spencer michael ross. i thought it was kinda stupid...i told them to change it to mitchel but they didnt. so now i got a diploma that doesnt even have my name on it. and riaan went before me and grabbed his diploma and ran and then ripped it up before i even got back to my seat. someone hypothesized it might have been because his parents didnt even come. *shrug*

so after all that, it was all over. its funny because i dont feel any different, i feel like it was just another day bound by a name called "graduation." i dont feel like a graduate, my attitude about my future hasnt changed just because ive walked across a stage and got a piece of paper- other than that i still dont have a summer job before school starts....we all met each other by the bleachers for pictures and hugged everyone and despite what people thought, i was rather approachable (and i even got a pic with jenny, who likes me:)) so i had my dad take pics of me with everyone and i hope that when i develop it, i can bring it to montreal with me and look at them and remember everyone. so then my parents, elise, and i went out to chinese and then i went home and got ready for operation graduation

showed up around 1030ish and met sarah and andrew and had our pics taken in the funky limo, went in, got these cool shirts and what not. there was a lot to do, but there wasn't the whole lobby was filled with fake casino tables where we gambled all night [successfully at this one blackjack table] so that we could get money to buy raffle tickets to which i won nothing. then they had door prizes so i got a certificate to media play and that was it for the night. there was karaoke and those air filled arena games and i got beaten by andrew on the obstacle course again, but it wasnt my fault it was missing a footing on my side. and jon and i beat the shit out of each other in the ring wit those big giant boxing gloves that are as big as you are. they weighed a lot, but it was fun. and a dj in the cafe and a dunk tank and the digital photography (which is the pic above). and food all night and a musician from 12-1am. i guess he used to work at foxwoods. i thought he was pretty funny and even funnier was when he gave a mug of beer to sclare. i dunno, that was humorous. and we all hung out all night, gambled, schmoozed, ran around, ran ourselves into the ground and then chilled at breakfast, when we watched the senior video. and then we said goodbye to cloutman til the next time we see eachother, who knows when that will be.

its like every goodbye i say to people---it's: till the next time we meet. every goodbye is one that is left hanging. like when i see all my friends before the end of august- each time, i never know when its the last one. i think goodbye will be the hardest for me in this whole process, since i don't know if/when i'll see people again....even my family. going to a place that leaves me physically far away from everyone i know is straining because its like i say, theres no physical contact and my school schedule doesn't give me a clue as to when the next time i'll be face to face with familiar faces is. its a 1:10 flight, but still, to get the money just to randomly hop down is tough and the one 3 day weekend i have is on yom kippur. i cant even spend the high holidays with my family this year. come to think of it, i think i'll be lucky if i don't have any exams to be back to even celebrate passover with my family. (of course i can always celebrate christmas with them). i miss out on the musical next year...man, now i'm realizing what i'm missing out on next year. hopefully i can keep myself occupied with stuff so i dont have to worry when i'm not here...another bridge to get to when i come to it i suppose...

got home at 530am after dropping off the concatellis. slept til 130. went to circuit city at 4 to take a test/interview and then came home. goofed off til 630, fell asleep til 730 and got up and putzed around more and here i am. tomorrow i'm going to get a new passport pic so i can renew mine. it expires next year, but if i gotta have a visa, that means i gotta get a new visa again for the new passport so i might as well renew so i dont have to hassle with visas twice. wow, i'm on visa. thats so cool. and then the concatellis party is tomorrow night and beckys coming to that. becky is really cool, jon was right. so, she's 9 inches taller, big deal. height's not what matters. anyways, i best get sleep so i can have a decent passport photo since i dont wanna look like jon o'neills first attempt at his new passport photo...

6/13/00(started at 220am)-its been a great 13 years, but its finally over. today was the last day of my high school career and my career in the south windsor public school system. although we still have another day until we're officially graduated, i have no more classes, so all i technically need is an official slip of paper saying i'm done. but what a way to go. tomorrow, i'm prolly working on my 4 year review- a month by month review of the four years that shaped my life before i start anew at college. and boy has it been an interesting four years with many ups and downs. it's funny cause people only want to hear the ups, but never the downs. yet, the downs are what teach us so much about life and how to improve on ourselves. last time i wrote, it was thursday and i had so much calc studying and no time to do it. well now it's all over.

friday, after getting 3 hours of sleep (for a combined 11 hrs of sleep in 72 hours total), i somehow stumbled into calculus to take kemo's final. it wasn't bad. all the take home was multiple choice and cloutman really didnt care about if we had work or not. the questions weren't that difficult either. i just hope i did well. thanks to andrew, i got to go home early and basically went online only to talk to andrew online, only to talk to andrew on the phone for 1 1/2 hrs. i was dead tired and about to pass out, but kept going and i don't even remember half the stuff i said at all until around 5ish that night when i got my second wind. we kind of straightened things out about things i wrote about before. i can't say that my perspective on things has changed all too much(particularly after fri night, but thats another story), but i think it helped a little.so just about when i'm about to fall asleep and hang up the phone comes carrie pulling up the driveway, and she wants to talk, so we talk til i have to get ready and at this point, i know not what to think anymore and i was probably babbling the most nonsensical shit you've ever heard, but something seemed to be okay because we weren't completely bitching each other out when she left. got picked up by my mother because i had an interview with a guy from the manchester water and sewer division for an outdoor job, blah blah, i wanted the indoor one, but i dunno why he didn't offer it to me. left the interview, picked up my mom at school and then went to get a haircut since i needed it so badly.

got home just in time to run around the house like a mad man and so i got showered and dressed and made my customary late appearance at bethannes 15 min late. everyone was dressed up and taking pictures around jons cruiser. the best thing was, it was just the seniors. its so weird because lately, i've been going about this trip that i'm going out the way i came in. so for it to be the group of seniors was really great because it was just like old times. the juniors have added to the group, but when it comes down to it, the core has always been about the seniors and i guess i've always felt that's how it would be. because it was just seniors, i thought the senior reception was great. after picking up sarah dussault at her house (where erin just got her drivers license, congrats), we drove to la renaissance (where i had my bar mitzvah, 9/30/95) and took some pics outside before going in. it was really cool because we were just all hanging out and then had drinks and hors d'oeuvres for 1 hr and ate dinner. i just hopped a few tables, chilled with foley, etc...our waiter's name was rich and he asked me if i was stoned because i was a little out of it since i hid a downwind and then i started to tell andrew i was gonna tell rich i had the munches when rich came over and said it looked like i had the munchies, so we started cracking up cause the timing couldnt have been more perfect. so he came back with a bowl of trail mix and kept making references the whole night. it was hilarious. around 8ish, the party got kicked up a few notches when they really started the dance. the dance was so much fun cause anybody you knew was there and i got to dance with a bunch of people who i was looking forward to dancing with, including angela, who was finally nice enough to finish that dance she broke off in homecoming of sophomore year. :) in addition, we finally got going the mainstream premiere of the boyband shuffle, the dance my sister and i created new years '99. it was great because almost 3/4 of the people there were watching us and then chris got amy zima on the floor when he was out on the solo. but it was really fun. for the last slow dance, i got to dance with jon and scott's tall, yet gorgeous friend from michigan, becky. yeah, it was a little weird since she was about 9 inches taller than me, but i really didn't care cause she was really nice. and the end had about 150 people in a big circle rocking back and forth to sarah maclachlans "i will remember you". it was kind of emotional, but a good way to end the night. only one more event for us seniors together as a group:graduation. and then it's the end.

i dunno, everyone says it's not the end. but i always felt that in some respects it is. there truly is something to be said about physical proximity in a friendship and it makes it that much harder to be like that when you're no longer around these people after being with them for 6 years. it's certainly an adjustment, regardless and therefore, it's an new beginning. you don't have beginnings without endings first. i'm not saying that you forget everything you knew, but the dynamics of the friendship still change and that's only natural. i guess its something i'm expecting as a result of the distance gap. carrie says jon and scott and her worked out visiting labor day weekend or something, but it should definitely be interesting. the weekend before i'm just moving in and there's gonna be a lot of orientation and freshman stuff. and then the day after labor day is the first day of classes. so really, that weekend is gonna be tough since i'm gonna be going through the full adjustment of the first week. as much as i'd love to have people come, it's still gonna be hard for me to "keep them busy,' so to speak, since i know i'm prolly gonna be busy myself. i wouldnt want to be neglectful, but its almost as if i'm not sure if its the best weekend. any other weekend between september and december would seem cool (except columbus day which is yom kippur, so i'm fasting up north), but the US thanksgiving weekend would be really cool since i dont' have it off, so to see friends then would be neat or theres always the other random weekends. anyways, that's a bridge we'll cross if and when we get to it...

drove sarah d to her house so she could get some stuff and drove becky to the bergmans so she could get her stuff and then we headed over to bethannes for a sleepover. i know i was completely tired (11 hrs of sleep in 84 hrs) and kept trying to doze off unsuccessfully. people were signing yearbooks, but i really wasnt doing that. we were having fun though, just chillin and then they put on "princess bride" which looked cheesy and somehow i kept watching some parts. anyways...around 3ish, becky, jon, scott, and i were sitting on the kitchen floor during scott's smart hour (which only lasted 10 min) and we talked about space-time, wormholes,and deja vu. it was interesting. got into the sleeping bags around 330ish and scott and jon made noises and got hit in the heads with pillows by becky. then around 4ish when almost everyone was asleep, i completely gave up and went into the other room to get my mind off things before i got even more pissed and got even less sleep. and since i needed to be doing something, i ended up starting the first 5 pages of chaim potok's "my name is asher lev" apparently i was found face down on the floor with the book next to me. i don't remember how i got down there since i was originally reading in the chair. but somehow it happened. and i actually got 4 hrs of sleep in (15hrs in 96 hrs)

next morning we got up and had breakfast, thanks to mr. o'neill and putzed around and i finally started to sign yearbooks of people who were friends and i think the first one i did was sarah c's and i think it struck a chord in me because i didn't know what to say and it was emotional for me anyways. i've been trying to sign yearbooks as though i'm not seeing the person and that if they look at it 20 years from now, it won't look so dopey. so it was tough. i pulled off a few more and then we ended up ordering chinese food and after coming home, showering, etc, sarah got me and we went to the concatellis. basically, we sat around in their basement as usual, only we signed a bunch of yearbooks. i think the hardest one to sign was andrews because i look at him as a brother, and as much as he's had these idiosyncracies that bother me (as i mentioned a few entries ago), i still look at him as a brother. and even with all the shit we've been through recently, there's still a lot in the past 6 years that's been good. in due time, the good will outweigh the bad again, but it will still take time. got picked up, went home, mowed the lawn, had jon over and we drove to bernies to harass scott at work. then drove to starbucks to get mocha frappachinos

(continued---1030am)after chatting at starbucks for a bit, we went back to my house and hung out a bit until jon and scott left, since my parents were at a play at LTM.

the next day was the usy trip to six flags, but unfortunately, none of my friends were there, so basically i was a tagalong to a couple of sophomore girls. now normally that wouldn't be so bad, except that they werent so attractive so what would seem like a cool time to any "normal" guy was kinda disappointing :P plus it rained a few times with some thunder and lightning so the rides closed for a while, but i did the log flume and even the cyclone, so i didn't do too bad...went over to the springfield synagogue for the dinner and awards thing and left to come home and my parents had gone to the pequot museum in ledyard, so again, empty house.

monday was my absolute last day of public school in south windsor and i had a relatively easy day. got up to attempt to study for the physics final but that kinda turned out sucky. the final wasnt that bad though and some of it was kinda stupid like the short essay we had to write and that he said he'd give us in class but never did. and of course, a cheesy lab, but it wasn't that bad. then in english, i got my thesis back. i only got a b+, prolly cause there were a lot more grammatical or punctuation mistakes than there should have been, but when i stayed up til 3am doing it, it didn't matter at that point. but i got an a in the course anyways, so it didn't matter. there were 3 presentations, anands-which was on human nature and then everyone started typing messages on my laptop when we had to switch seats. cristinas- which was on mother-daughter relationships. her metaphor was a circle, and nikhil and i couldn't help but burst out laughing because that's how she talks sometimes and we thought it was hilarious that she used it as her metaphor. and half the time i didn't understand her presentation cause it seemed like a topic that a 18 year old wouldnt really be worrying about, but i know my presentation lost most of the class since it was rather fragmented. after cristina was the final presentation by jenn and she did hers on the imagination and fantasy. we got to play with playdough and by the end of the presentation, all 4 of my colors were mashed together. i haven't played with playdough in the longest time though. and that was it. 13 years of school come down to playdough. i guess it was only fitting to go out the way we came in.

i came home to an empty house again, hoping i would have freedom to party since it was the end, but instead, my mother came home 45 min later and started yelling at me to get a job, blah blah, so i went to the mall area and applied to about 8 different places there. now to wait til i get a job. the funniest thing was when i was at circuit city, i was walking towards the front desk when i see rich from la renaissance and he looks at me and recognizes me and he's like, "whats up dude" and i was like "whats up" but it was so funny...from there, i went straight to the doctors since lack of sleep gives me a cold and colds give me my hacking cough, so i'm back to that again. more meds...:P got home from that around 6ish, hung out and ate dinner when scott called and said that we were burning school papers at his house to come over, so we burned papers til about 10ish. around930 was when mrs. macdonald broke out the 4th grade video and we got to see jon, scott, and chris at the 4th grade concert. it was hilarious, but the funnier thing yet was when scott was sitting on the couch to sing one of the songs to his grandparents on video tape. so he's singing away in typical scott fashion (which is funny enough). its a song about baseball and right field or something like that and all of a sudden, scott pulls a glove and a ball out of his ass. it was the funniest thing in a long time, perhaps even funnier than jeremese in my yearbook. its no wonder he always wanted to gnaw off his hand :)

we all headed over to my house and jon picked up becky (whom i was glad came, especially since melissa stayed home sick) and we shot some pool. so go figure, my dad's ready for bed and he's running around the house with his shirt off and my sister's constantly annoying us, so i get no respite from my family til about 1030 when people actually start to go upstairs and chill out. imean go figure, i'm getting soda for everyone when my parents are giving me grief about using the normal cups instead of plastic cups. my family, go figure. but it was still fun cause we were reminiscing about things and whatnot and jon scott and becky left around 1130 so chris hung around and we shot some pool til around 1am (something we never get to do on a tuesday night). so we were talking about girls and everybody- the romantics vs. the agressive flirters (chris-"bag and shag"). but its always fun when chris comes over because despite what some people think of him, i think he'll do okay for himself since he's under the hakuna matata philosophy about women at this age. cause we were talking about guys who are romantic towards women our age- women tend to perceive that as obsessive, despite the guy's intentions. they always talk about wanting a romantic guy, but the romantic guy never gets the girl til later on in life. i never got how that works, but whatever. maybe i should just be romantic and aggro-flirt. anyways, its now tuesday morning and i got another job app to hand in and hopefully some place will call me. i'm prolly gonna go to borders today and submit an app there and then pick up the new rane cd. i cheated. i reviewed it for my page before i even got it, but ive got a bunch of bootlegs of the different songs on my computer, so it's all good. and tonight is te's 8th grade graduation, so i gotta go to that :P ah well i guess if my sister has to sit through mine tomorrow, i can sit through hers. for now, it's just chillin back with not much to do.

i dunno why but graduation doesn't seem to me to be the big deal everyone makes it out to be. i mean it was like 8th grade graduation. how big of a deal is it when you still have to go to school the next year? like, other than the fact that it means school is over from south windsor and it means moving away from my friends in south windsor, i still gotta go to school next year, so what difference does it make? i dunno, i always thought college grad was more important since you actually got a degree, and then if you had grad school graduation, that was the most important degree because it gave you a title. hopefully, i'll be able to say in 8 years that i'll have a graduate degree so that's cool, but i got 8 years to go for that. let's see if i can get dressed, get the mail and grab some grub.

6/9/00-whee, another 3 hrs of sleep. in the past 72 hours, i've had 11 hours of sleep. that cant be good. its surprising i'm not sick already. that damn calculus was a bitch, but today was the final exam, which wasn't as horrible as we all expected, plus cloutman let us use our books. that was about it for today. my eyes hurt again and i have a job interview today. i'd like to say i could get a nap in, but my eyes hurt to shut.

"Transportation" by Rane c2000 off their new cd release, CAMELOPARDALIS

I'm leaving (I'm leaving)
On a westbound train
And I hope to find
A reason

I'm leaving (I'm leaving)
In hope for change
Just like those trees
Through the seasons

And I've been around the world
So many times
And I've been around the world
And I hope to find

I'm bleeding (I'm bleeding)
Through open wounds
My broken heart
Won't stop feeling

If I leave here (leave here)
I know you'll understand
And I'll take what I need
To begin again

And I've been around the world
So many times
And I've been around the world
And I...

I'm leaving (I'm leaving)
On a westbound train
And I hope to find
A reason

I'm leaving (I'm leaving)
In hope for change
Just like those trees
Through the seasons

6/8/00-man, i guess i was rather vicious yesterday...of course what can i say, i was on 3 hours of sleep, my eyes hurt and wouldnt shut so i couldnt nap, and i was rather irritable...and i can say that while i'm still pissed for all the reasons i was before, i've also cooled down a little with some sleep. interestingly, i'm having a conversation with garrett that we're gonna finish later. my story went a little something like this:

we do a lot together as a group, but never one on one kind of stuff. an example of this is, take the concatellis for example. you've grown up with them your whole life, and as individuals, you've got so much together that its almost like family. even if there was no group, you'd still be friends and all those little details would still matter. i know that when they go to uconn (even if it is only 30 min away), they'll still keep in heavy contact with you because you have those personal bonds. unfortunately, in the one year i've actually known you, i've not those bonds. theres a whole lot i still don't know about you and unfortunately, we do so much with the "group" that it takes away from doing anything personally. the only garrett i know is the one around andrew, sarah, erin, sarah d, dave, lisa, etc...because the "group" as a whole has been so dominating, i've still not the chance to get to know you more personally...and not just you, but even some of my closer friends...unfortunately, the only person i know the closest is andrew. it's sad that in this whole group, i only know one person on a personal, one on one basis (which is a lot in part due to the fact that we have the exact same schedule). but on the flipside, yesterday, after 6 years of friendship, he asked me when my birthday was. i understand that
there's a lot of birthdays and whatnot, but after all this time, he still doesn't know my birthday...that kind of surprised me a lot since we all know when his and sarahs is. maybe its because they're on the same day, but still... it shows how much is taken when everything is about the "group"...andrew and everyone else, they all want to do stuff as the "group" before we leave for school, but it turns out to be the same old stuff...instead of cultivating these personal relationships, we cultivate the group relationship. which, i can say i'm saddened by because it means i know none of my "friends" as friends, but more of acquaintances. that personal dimension is gone. its sad because we have 2 1/2 more months and all everyone wants to do is group stuff...

and interestingly, margaret, the people watcher, had something to say in agreement with my page, although i'm a little uncertain that i'm looking to lose my friends. ihavent been trying to dig a hole so that no one wants to talk to me again, however if the case is that people are upset with how i've been feeling, then it shows a lot as to how they don't accept me. i'm not looking to lose my friends, i'm looking to get my problems out there so we can work around them. on the other hand, i'm sure people have different feelings on the end of the year, but no one cares to express them to me. i never thought of myself as being selfish, because i've always been willing to listen to what other people have to say about how they feel, not beat down on how i've feel. sometimes you cant question the way people feel and perhaps thats something i've learned that should have been in the human emotion section of my thesis. emotions are a result of other peoples' actions so if we feel a certain way, why are we to be beaten for it? questioned, maybe, because we want to know why people feel that way, but to beat people and say they're not justified in their feelings...thats still a personal attack. my intent's never been to piss people off, but to let them know how i'm feeling...i'm breaking the style of my page here for a moment, but this has what it's been about- a journal of the life i live. who's to say i'm wrong, who's to say i'm right? i'm not asking people to like what i have to say, but i'm asking people to respect what i say and if they have something to say and ever decide to share it, that i can show the same respect back. the past 6 years was great and people often saw me as being goofy and everything, but this past year, i'm sure there's been a noticible change in me. i'd like to think though that i've learned a lot from other people in 7 years, but that there are some ideals that i've still maintained. *shrug* (as i do this while simultanously trying to work on calc test)

today was the first 2/5 of our finals ever and i can't say i'm too sad, although being the last to shutdown the booth and leave the theater was kind of saddening. french was basically a joke of some writing of the 3week old essays, some listening, and a 10 blank verb mastery and watching our class video, which was rather interesting...after 3 years with mrs mckenna, it's finally over. but she'll have my sister next year anyways...in theater, we cleaned out the place so that was the end of that...a legacy left by seniors (and myself)...and jeremy signed my yearbook in jeremese, which was the biggest laugh i've had in about 3 months...went to garretts, went to subway, went back to garretts and got his winamp player going and then watched some fight club dvd, came home and now got a shitload of calc to do...i better get going...40% done with exams

74/81...

6/7/00-well i actually didn't finish the last update. this weekend was marathon thesis. last time i worked on this page was saturday night, so here's since sunday. on sunday, i didn't really do anything but goof around and work on my thesis. the only time i went outside was to pick up bagels at between rounds. but sunday was basically a wasted day.

monday was back to school and a boring french class where i worked some on my essay for the final. in theater, we did nothing. in calc, mr cloutman gave us the takehome part of the final and we worked some on the lab in class. study--go figure, like we were ever gonna get anything done. a nice physics presentation on eating. nothing wrong with that, i'm up for eating, even if i have to hear a repeat anatomy lecture. more thesis presentations including andrews, whose was quite interesting because it was about friends. there was one point where he was talking about friends being through all the good and bad times together and helping each other out in the bad times, and i started to think what happens if the person that helped you through the bad times was the one you were having the bad times with? personally i thought some of it was rather idealistic because it's never easy and lord knows there are always people that seem to complicate matters.

got ready for senior awards night where i won a few awards. i was having a conversation with my mom about self fulfilling prophecy and its interesting because she seemed to understand what i'm going through. the people that dont move don't care and the people that move are the ones who are always having trouble. we got yearbooks today and as i was flipping through yearbooks, i went to the senior writeup section where i looked at riaan's writeup. there was one word that caught my eye that intrigued me a lot: idiosyncracy.

those little flaws that everyone has (including myself), personal idiosyncracies. its those things that people close to you do that start to bother you. and the closer we get to leaving, the more bothersome they get. self fulfilling prophecy is only normal at this stage in our lives because we know that there's not gonna be anything here for us next year, so we try and withdraw. and increasingly, thats what i find i'm starting to do. the little things are starting to get irksome to me and the more i see them, the more i get frustrated. it's purely psychological, but that doesn't mean it's unnatural. i would believe some psychological disorders are naturally based. to change them would be nice, but at what cost is it worth it? i recall about 2 years ago, a senior sent off letters telling off the people he disliked and praising the people he liked. myself, as well as virtually everyone else, did not understand why he was doing this at the time; everything he wrote seemed completely alienting and unreal; that how could a person basically say they were ditching everything that made them? well it's 2 years later and i'm finally coming to an understanding of why he sent the note (and i cant say that i have't felt like it myself at times lately). its easy now to say that everything will be all cool next year, but its not. and doing stuff together now makes it seem more like its the end. but it does end sometimes not the way we want it.

whats kind of funny was that i got a 6 page letter monday telling me what i mean to them and that eventually, i'm supposed to come back and be a part of their life. it just seemed so randomly begging for me not to go, but fact of the matter is, we don't always get what we bargain for. as the school year's come to an end, i've been learning all kinds of lessons about friends and relationships that i've been tacking up on this journal. and you know, some of the people that have said in the past that they're keeping in touch with next year---i'm not sure if that's even gonna be so on my terms. i've just been disappointed with the whole lot, but basically because of the one major problem thats come out of my life in the past 3 months. that one problem has made my life hell in so many ways and because of that, has heightened my negativity about graduating.

so, it makes me wonder whether or not i'm even going to attend the post-senior reception sleepover that i was not invited to. first off there's the ever plaguing problem that will exist in front of me for as long as i remain in south windsor. sad, but true. its so disheartening to me, to know that it all spawned out of jealousy and the fact that the two are talking and whatever the same way that i used to only days before...it still pisses me off...it makes me think of both of my dreams and wonder how much of them are coming true. just how angry i am getting. and knowing i have the time and space sometimes just isn't enough. i don't need it from one half the problem, i need it from both halves. but...unfortunately that'll never be possible as long as i'm in south windsor. self fulfilliing prophecy? yes it is. just wait til the juniors go to college...what it will be like for them to leave connecticut and go elsewhere. (or will they all go to uconn and live out another 4 years of their high school life?) i wonder if those juniors who are sad to see us leave but dont understand the pissiness of the rest of us will do. these idiosyncracies, these great problems that only come out near the end of senior year---i wonder if their naysaying now will change to a sharp realization that not all is always fine and dandy. one idiosyncracy i've noticed: that some people can't accept change. the fact that we're graduating means something, it doesn't mean you have 4 more years of high school, it means adaptation to a new life. and as much as i cant forget and want to retain the old, i'm also craving the adaptation to the new. not all my "friends" seem to have this notion yet that it changes...

change is seems like just a word to them, but the feeling isn't quite there yet. i know that change for me came abruptly on may 2nd. and since then, the years not been the same again. its an exponential curve downward. slidin down the scale. so it only serves to reason that i'm back at that stage where i say fuck it all and people get all pissy. and then they wonder why i get all pissy when i wasnt invited back after senior reception, or to six flags tomorrow. and so i say fuck it all. now, i don't need to do anybody any favors. if that's how the year's gonna end, then there's gonna be a lot more withdrawl and either be me going out with a bang, or me going out with a complete whimper. i don't need to be anybody's tagalongs. they want to cherish the memories, make the memories before they leave, yet rather than be inclusive...

yep i'll have memories of the end of my senior year. ill have memories of how hellish it was, how people decided to leave me out or do favors....expect me to invite myself places with them. i'll remember how when i asked to do stuff with people, i was turned down. it's so sad because next year, doing stuff with this group is virtually no more. everyone's tried to make their senior year a good one, including myself, but its ended up being that other peoples' "good" ends up my hell. and regardless of whether they like it if i tell them that or not, that IS the way i feel. the group tends to rest on one person who has control of what goes on and when it goes on and when there isn't that person, things never happen. the person holds the group together. which is unfortunate because now, instead of pursuing friendships on the individual level over the next few months and getting to do things with friends one on one to make it more personal, i cannot do that. instead, i'm a member of a group that needs the group to function and the person to hold it together. the person has basically made it impossible to end the year with a one on one basis with my any of my friends except that person due to their influencing mindset on the group...personally, i'm saddened by this deeply

lets see, tuesday was graduation rehearsal in which i have to walk down the aisle with riaan, but he wasnt too bad and although still quirky, he was ok. i think he'll wear pants under his gown afterall. after that was another physics presentation where i got hit in the face with the baseball by nikhil. but thats nothing new. i'm reminded of my days in sw little league *sigh* more english presentations, but i dont remember who and then i took nuala, dave, and bobby v home for the summer so elise can bring them back next year. so they're sitting on my desk now. and then came home, got my fight club dvd (excellent movie as always), and started to work on my thesis til 3am. in case i ever lose it, i've uploaded to the web so i can always get it from there (http://members.nbci.com/Smalrus/Ontology Thesis.doc)

a nice 3 hr nap later, i actually get up at 6 and go to school, basically today was a do nothing day except to present my thesis. my notes were lengthy so i was deleting ad lib, which presented some problems and made it seem like i wasnt really prepared at all. but it went decently. the rest of the day was signing yearbooks and whatnot. i have yet to write this french essay for tomorrow's final, but i'm sure all that will fall into place tonight...(before 3am :)) and so after a sleepless night and a restless few days, i think its time for a nap or something...

75 days and 82 days...

6/5/00-wednesday is the big day and i'm about 27 pages long so far, but i got some work to do. unfortunately, today is the day to work and i just plain dont feel like it :P

saturday- woke up to take my dad to work, came home, had lunch, took my sister to her first dance recital at EH middle school, ran over to my dad's work to bring him to a bar mitzvah at la renaissance, back to EH to pick up my sister, caught the last 3 angry salad songs at their mini set at riccardos music, brought her home, went to the driving range, hit a bucket of golf balls, went to sundae afternoons, got a cone and went to desmonds pond to talk to the duckies. got inspired for my thesis conclusion. the ducks taught me that we're only about 2 things: procreation and provision for our children....everything else is bullshit we manufacture to complicate our lives... went out for dinner at charley's place in w hartford with the douglases. after that, got home rather late, only to have a rather disturbing, frustrating, and disheartening conversation....

6/2/00 (and resumed on 6/3)-the dream is starting to come true...i'm sitting here now starting this reflection in fourth period study hall after a good long time of stewing and i'm still stewing...i need a countdown timer for this page...last night was the vocal pops concert, which was the last concert of our high school careers and while i havent been an official member of theater class for three years, i still feel like a part of the place and in reflecting today, i think i've picked up a lot in the one year i've been in the class. after vocal pops, we kinda hung around and became increasingly more poed...the dream is coming true...did the most of my physics packet and a smidge of french before getting into bed at my now ritual time of 1am.

had french, where we worked on our video and i sorta dressed up, but brought all my hats and used a new hat a scene so that should look cool...it was kinda goofy but oh well...then in theater we wrapped cables and listened to cloutman give a minilecture and now i'm in study hall...andrew gives his thesis today on friends...i'm now interested in what he has to say, particularly from the personal slant, cause i know this year has got me thinking differently about friends and friendship...it pisses me off. i'm not an asshole... more later

well its later...lets see...in physics we did more presentations and watched rob and anuraag fighting which was pretty funny cause anuraag didnt expect it cause rob never fights back. in english, duclos wasnt there so we watched the matrix on my dvd and then in lockout, we sat with angela. and she was complaining about how she was frustrated with her friends and then started going off about old boyfriends. so i started talking to her about how she shoulda gone out with me :) it was kinda funny cause it brought us back to 8th grade and apparently they kept talley of how many times i asked her out-19. so i figured, why not make it and even 20 for old times sake. i used to ask her out in notes folded into chinese stars...so i started to do that again, only i forgot how to do the final fold, so i told her i'd ask her out on monday...then went home...

its interesting...as the year is ending, people arent liking how i'm dealing with things...that i'm going about it immaturely...that depends on how you look at it...i dont find myself as secure in what i do as most people. this leaves next year wide open for me because i don't know whats going to happen and my lack of security now leads me to be pessimistic about a lot of things- specifically the state of friendships which i feel are currently unstable. i'm not turning people away...i always want to talk to people and i've been trying not to be selfish about things, but when it turns into a lack of conversation, i complain about it to try and make it better. then i'm asked why it always has to be about me when the answer is thrown back in my face in saying that i shouldnt give up on everyone...well, i'm not sure anymore what to do or not do- i feel like i'm in a perpetual catch 22. i'm tired of being frustrated...

(resumed 6/3)-so both dreams must be coming true because last night we had a pretty awful lightning storm...more shortly...

perhaps the best news of the day was that i got my residence infomation for mcgill and now i know what dorm i'm living in next year. i have a single in molson hall (the one named after the beer company). so now i have to sign these quebec lease forms becuase they have all this paperwork you have to do. we thought we were bad as americans with the paper waste, but you have all these legalities to sign for and everything. and then the telephone and internet stuff was in there about signing up for service with mcgill telecom. it should be really cool. so now i've basically figured out my address until i know what room number it is, which isnt til the first day of school...basically what i figure i have now is something like

Spencer Ross
3915 University Street
(Room Number TBA)
Molson Hall
McGill University
Montreal, Quebec H3A 2B6
Canada

has a nice ring to it....anyways...about 640 last night, we got hit with a power outage that lasted til about 6am this morning. so basically we were in the dark all night save for some candles. ended up sleeping for a bit since they didnt know when it would be fixed and predicted noon today. i dont know who else was hit but that storm was sure a sign of something. but we woke up around 1030 and then just kind of hung out in the dark until my dad got home from the track. we hit a new record of how late we've ever eaten dinner because we didnt eat til about 1145pm. luckily my mom had gone food shopping so there was a lot of food in the fridge and so it would stay cooler better since you cant open the fridge too much. it kinda sucked cause i might have been able to go on my laptop but i didnt wanna waste the battery, plus my parents woulda thought i was just plain stupid. instead, i was playing my guitar in the dark at about 1100 cause there was absolutely nothing to do. so just before i fell asleep around 730, i wrote the first draft of a poem (actually, i fell asleep before i finished the last 7 lines)...goes something like this:

Tempest of the Soul

My eyes shut and I see it- a vision that melts through
The lids of my eyes.
A supersonic burst drives through my skull.
I fill my eardrums up
---white noise come too save me---
Salt and glycering turn bitter on my lips
They seep through clenched jaws and float in my mouth
Bitterness turns into a fist
---a fist of iron and Steel---
Jams my throat, that I may not speak.
Speak of torrential floods - when an insurgence hits me.
Space warps. Time warps.
The wormhole pulls me into an instantaneous rhapsody of...
Where I come out the other end is another time
---another Place---
My eyes open and I see gardens
---one White rose, two White rose---
Dewdrops glisten and honeysuckle delight
In the presence of life.
Chirps and squeals of furry playthings
Pour through the crevices of an internal rage
---hard cement casing---
I'm free of disillusionment;
I'm free of fear.
Reality has transfigured itself into something beautiful
---New light supplants the Old---

one more piece of good news for the day, i finally found the files for a french dictionary in word, so now i can spell and grammar check my french stuff, which might be good for when i take french in college...sweet...

79 days til 18, 86 days til mcgill (i rechecked the countdown)...

6/1/00-man, i was rereading the whole page, before i shifted it off into the archive. you know, i do go back and reread stuff i've written and i couldnt help but go back to the entry from 5/3. the end of this year has been increasingly frustrating and making me all the more glad that there's 13 more days til graduation. i'm going back to where all my friends are and trying to figure out where i am...and i go back to my thoughts on the uconn/ct complex and how i felt. and i cant say its any less different now. people dont like that i feel alone. they dont like when i say i'm alone. and they don't want to be reminded that the perfect reality they live in won't be so perfect next year. there are the people who talk at lunch about going up to uconn every weekend to visit. there are the people who think that "parties" (i still refer to that in a figurative sense because hanging out and watching a movie is not a "party") are going to solve all problems with friendships next year-this coming from the same people who will be going up to uconn every weekend(or down to south windsor, etc). the same circle goes around and around. normally, i'm all for change, but this is never the type of change you envision. unfortunately this change is real and the circle gets smaller and the complex gets bigger. change is denied on the basis that a few parties will make next year nice and good. the time we spend now is it. maybe my feelings are now clouded by the other events in my life...its now been about a month since the breakup and i cant say that my attitude on it, my feelings- any of it- has gone away. i've never held a grudge before and i dont like holding grudges, however as events keep unfolding in front of me...i can't help revisit the 5/3 feelings and say that this is an issue that is pretty damn hard to let go. and moreso, its tempered by the fact that i'm going away to school next year and that time is running out. of anything i've been involved with, i've never been like this. i'm good at beating a dead horse, but i'm not beating a dead horse anymore because it's not about holding a grudge. (seventh rule of fight club: fights go on as long as they have to) its truly about going back to 5/3 and remembering the exact events that spawned my feelings. margaret and julian- the people watchers- are starting to predict the events in my life and eerily, they keep seeming to be correct in my predictions...which gets odder because everything they predict always ends sucky for me (or maybe its sucky for everyone else there...)...but you know, if everyone can continue to assert the belief that this year only rolls into next year, i guess i can still assert the belief that life isnt a nice whipped cream pie

still got some job hunting to do and make some callbacks...and that damn physics work. and my french. crap. lets see. i spent the whole theater class putting up a mic that rinaldi said wouldnt work. in math we watched the rest of stand and deliver and even if i don't hand in anymore of the 6 hw assignments i'm missing, i'll still get a b-...lets see, i'm not getting a c and i'll never get an a, so is it worth it the last quarter of highschool? mcgill doesnt care about my grades as long as i dont fail, so...in study, i half tutored cause amanda just doesnt want to do anything any more and i played with my laptop a bunch...i hear my search for a serious relationship and motives are in doubt by certain people, who also say that i've been using people to get to other people (which completely escapes me because i've basically been getting nowhere fast. i havent gotten to anybody, so fuck that)

so we got the laptop setup for the physics presentation that blew everyone elses out of the water. then in english, tim and sarah gave their presentations and we had no clue what tim said, but he rambled for a half hour on one book. then sarahs was good because it was a topic i was interested in and somewhat had to do with my thesis (25 pgs and counting) but everyones thesis has to do with my thesis...so now i'm home, i got the physics packet to complete and if i get any chance, i hope to get to some, if not most of vocal pops. got 104fest tix today so i'm really excited and a nice paycheck from dr. wood. and the verdict is essentially in that i'm probably not doing a damn thing for graduation so if anyone is looking forward to getting invited to a graduation "party" for me...the odds are good that they shouldnt count on it. and i might be doing lifeguarding classes during that week, but i dunno yet...this is gonna be a long month here...

81 days til 18, 88 days til mcgill...

Past reflections: